


The Far Away Here and Now

by Hannahsolo01



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Slight amberprice, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 11:43:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16872321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahsolo01/pseuds/Hannahsolo01
Summary: Max Caulfield moved away from her home town aged 17, to attend art school in New York. Not only did she leave behind her home, but she left behind the most important person in her life. 5 years later, Max arrives in LA for summer, never expecting to meet the one person she always hoped she would.Both of them changed immeasurably, how will they cope being in each other's worlds once again, this time with the weight of life on their shoulders.Topics of mental health, substance abuse, cheating and infidelity, and emotional and physical trauma.





	1. Landslide

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fan fiction using characters and situations from the Life is Strange universe. I do not claim any ownership over characters or scenarios taken from Life is Strange, which is property of Dontnod Entertainment. This story is for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Welcome in everybody, and please get buckled up, this one is going to be a ride.  
> A warning right off the bat, this fic is going to tackle some serious issues, mental health and addiction being just a few. If you are at all affected by the mention of these particular issues, please proceed with caution, but I will provide educational and crisis resources where I can.  
> Also, one of the main plots of this story includes cheating. I am not condoning this behaviour but instead trying to highlight the flaws in these characters, as human beings. I don't want them to be perfect, far from it in fact.  
> As with Storm in a Coffee Cup, I love feedback, and would really appreciate anything you have to say.  
> But please be kind, this is a very new venture for me.  
> So please, enjoy.

**Chapter 1- Landslide**

 

_“What are you talking about?” The soft, cool breeze ruffled her short, strawberry blonde hair, her blue eyes full of confusion. The wind contained a chill that betrayed the mid-may sun._

_“I’m leaving early.”_

_“Why?” Her head rested on my shoulder, I could feel the tension in the air, her knuckles were white, clenched on the edge of the bench._

_“I got accepted into an early entry program, it’s super prestigious. I’d be an idiot to turn it down, really.” I itched to take her into my arms, I could barely stand to see her in so much pain, but I needed to keep my distance. If I held her now I’d never let go._

_“It sounds amazing. I’m so happy for you… It’s just…”_

_“I know. The timing sucks.” I tried to force out a sad chuckle, a tear escaping from my eye. I reached up to wipe it away, but she was quicker, her hand was on my face. I tried to resist, but my instincts urged me to lean into her touch, and I couldn’t help but relax into her._

_Both of her hands were on my face then, her forehead pressed against mine. I was staring into her face, but her eyes were screwed up, she looked physically pained._

_“We both knew this day was coming.” I had to shake myself out of this, the pain was too much to bear. I tried to pull away, but she held me back, we both needed this last moment of closeness._

_“Not this soon!” She jumped up, clenched her hair in both hands and stared out at the bay, she gritted her teeth, “I know that this is what you need to do, doesn’t mean it hurts any less.” She turned to face me, both of our faces glistening with tears by now._

_“Please… Can we just have today? I want to enjoy this and you and us, for one last day. Please… please kiss me.”_

_That last kiss was wet, and tense, but it was the best one I remembered._

_“I will always love you, Max.”_

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, as you can see, the Captain has turned on the fasten seat belts sign, as we are commencing our decent into LAX. If you would kindly fasten those seat belts, stow any luggage and get yourselves ready for landing. We will be landing in around 20 minutes time. Thank you for flying with Delta Airlines, and have a safe onward journey.”

The overly chipper voice of the stewardess woke me from my short nap, and a dream that was just beyond the stretch of my memory. That hour of sleep had strangely been the most restful I’d had in the last week, the stress of moving on top of my already frantic thoughts had made sleeping an impossible task lately. I was just hoping that the California air was going to help to clear my head.

I got the cab to drop me off a little ways from my Aunt’s condo, so I could walk on the beach for a while, it had been too long since I’d heard the waves and felt the sand.

I’d somehow managed to find a secluded portion of the beach, with only one couple sat on the rocks making out. I looked out onto the Pacific Ocean for the first time in 5 years, and I felt a little better, and a little better was a huge step right now.

After a while of paddling in the waves, and breathing in the salty dry air, I decided it was time to face the music. The sun was just about to start setting, casting that pinkish glow over the world, hinting that the day had only a few hours of sunlight left. It was the time of day that I would have loved to capture the landscape with my camera in my teenage years, a love that had dwindled and died as I entered my twenties.

Photography was a career for me now, I had to focus on taking pictures of people if I ever wanted to make a living. Nobody wanted stupid, pretentious Polaroids of the landscape anymore, and I didn’t need to waste my time taking photos that nobody wanted to see. Hence why I ended up in LA, fresh out of college. Models seemed to flock here, and I thought it would be the perfect place to spend a summer preparing a portfolio of fashion photography. I’d spent most of my savings renting a small studio space for the next couple of months, and an Aunt I’d never met was letting me live in her summer condo in Long Beach for free, I hoped that this was the turn around my life so desperately needed.

 

I arrived at my Aunt’s building, and it was pretty much exactly what I was expecting, a tall, semi-run down building of around 10 stories in a decent area. I didn’t feel unsafe but didn’t feel out of my depth either. There was an adjoining, underground parking garage and the beach was a couple of streets over. Aunt Melda’s condo was on the third floor, and I decided to take the stairs, after seeing a family of five with inflatables and towels piling into the one small elevator.

Once I pushed open the doors at the top of the staircase that had a large, peeling number 3 painted on it, the door to apartment 3A was just in front of me. I lifted up the mat that read ‘If you forgot the wine, GO HOME’ and found the key that my Aunt promised would be there.

When I entered the apartment, it wasn’t what I expected, but I suppose I didn’t know the lady all that well, at all in fact. The place was stock-full of trinkets, dream catchers and crystals hung from around the windows and curtain poles, every piece of mismatched furniture was covered in various quilts and throws that either looked handmade or like they’d been imported from India. The whole place gave off a shabby, bohemian vibe, and if I was honest with myself I kind of liked it, and found my self wishing all of a sudden that I could meet my Aunt Melda. My family had never been super close, I knew I had twice the amount of cousins I hadn’t met than the ones I had, so when my Dad suggested I stay at a great-aunt’s I’d never even heard of, you can understand my trepidation. But the draw for a change of scenery meant more than any of my inconsequential fears, and in that moment, stood in the cluttered apartment, I felt glad that I came.

There was a handwritten note resting by the lamp on a small side-table that read:

 

_Dear Maxine,_

_I hope you will be very comfortable here, and understand that everything here is now yours for the summer. That includes my car which is parked in spot 21 in the garage downstairs, you will find the keys in the dish by the door. I’ve attached a list of fun things to do while you’re in town and you’ll find my telephone number on there too, just in case you need anything. If it’s urgent, there's a lovely young man named Warren who lives next door who will be able to help you._

_Enjoy your stay honey,_

_Auntie Melda xxx_

 

Her handwriting was cursive and tall, it took me a while to figure out what the whole note said, but once I did, I immediately felt a little bewildered. This generosity was unfamiliar, and caused me to wonder why someone I’d never met would be this kind to me, the car was an unexpected but extremely welcome surprise, and although driving in LA was not going to be a huge amaount of fun, I was grateful for the help in getting around. It was nice that she’d pointed me in the direction of the ‘lovely young man’ next door, and I suppose I can’t expect her to know that it wasn’t exactly lovely young _men_ I was interested in, but I appreciated the sentiment.

I was dead-tired from travelling all day, and collapsed into Aunt Melda’s solid oak bed for some well-deserved rest.

 

The following morning, I decided to prep my studio space, I posted my call out for voluntary models once again onto every advertising site I could find and left the apartment, car keys in hand.

I reached spot 21 in the garage and found a mint-green, vintage VW Bug sitting in the spot with several bumper stickers littering the back, and patchwork throws over the seats. Of course. I started up the car and it had the rattle of an ageing vehicle that caused a small smile to creep across my face. I really loved the thing.

Google Maps told me that the studio was a 20 minutes drive away, which made me think of Cher Horowitz’s Dad from _Clueless._ Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes. I tried to hold back the onslaught of memories of the last time I watched that movie, 15 years old, on her beat-up floral couch, her arm slung over my shoulder. Stop Max, don't do this to yourself.

I’d just started to trundle along the road from the apartment, with the windows rolled down, one of Aunt Melda’s cassette’s playing old rock and roll tunes through the crackly old sound system. I was shocked by how free I felt, in New York, freedom came in the way of anonymity, that you could be whoever you wanted purely because you were simply a face in the crowd. In California, I felt free, because I was. There was more space and I felt that I could breath, the warm air and hazy sunlight allowed me to be free in the truest way.

The engine jittered, and my sunglasses slipped down my nose as the car jolted and spluttered, _god damn it._

Really, I should have known that having a beautiful, _working_ vintage car was far too good to be true.

Luckily the road was reasonably quiet, and I wasn’t afraid of any other vehicle coming into the back of me. It was on this side street, off the slightly busier road in the shopping district, that I found Frank’s Auto-repairs, sitting slightly further back from the other buildings and warehouses along the street, and I thanked the God I don’t believe in for my decision to turn down this particular alley.

I’d managed to keep the thing going until it stammered to a noisy stop in the tiny, gravel lot in front of the garage.

I climbed out of the car, slammed the door and kicked the tyre in frustration.

“Fuck!” The exclamation escaped my mouth before I even had chance to realise I’d said it.

“You okay there, darlin’?” A man’s voice drawled, a little ways off to my right, “You look like you could use a little help.”

I turned to face the source of the voice, and was greeted by a man of average height, with sandy blonde hair that flopped, unwashed into his eyes. He had an unkempt goatee that framed a kind smile, with dimples that made him look far younger than he must have been. Cheaply done tattoos scattered up his neck, and he was wearing dirty, blue overalls with the name Frank stitched on his chest.

“Yeah.” I laughed any scratched my head, squinting against the bright LA sun. No point denying it.

The man laughed and threw down the wrench he was holding.

“Follow me, we’ll get someone to come deal with the bug.” He pointed a thumb behind his shoulder, placed a toothpick in his mouth and wandered inside the garage.

With one final look at the car, I resigned myself to a lost day of work and followed him inside.

The inside of the repair shop was small, enough room for one or two cars to be in there at a time. Old-school pop-punk blared from the crackly radio next to an opened up pick-up truck, somebody’s legs and clunky boots peeked out from underneath it.

I followed him to a beat-up leather couch that faced what looked like an old school teacher’s desk, he sat behind it and motioned for me to sit on the couch. The whole place smelled of gasoline and denim.

“I’m Frank by the way, don’t think I introduced myself.” Frank spat out the toothpick and replaced it with a hand-rolled cigarette.

“Max.” I replied, flopping down on the couch with an exasperated sigh.

“So, it looks like that thing need some serious love. You got anywhere to be today?”

I thought for a second, before closing my eyes,

“No, nowhere important.”

“Okay, well you just sit tight for a while, I’ll get my best guy to have a look at it and we’ll try give you some more info before you leave, okay?” Frank stood up and shouted to the legs under the truck,

“Che? You wanna come over here for a sec? Got something for you, dude.”

I heard the rattle of wheels as the legs slid out from under the car. With my back toward them, I couldn’t see the guy. So you can imagine my surprise when it wasn’t the burly, beardy man I expected to approach the desk, in fact, it wasn’t a man at all.

But it wasn’t until she opened her mouth that my world came crashing down around me.

 

I’d recognise that voice anywhere, even across decades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For every chapter, I'm including a song that I was listening to while writing, and it will be giving each chapter its title.  
> Landslide- Fleetwood Mac


	2. Mystery of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work of fan fiction using characters and situations from the Life is Strange universe. I do not claim any ownership over characters or scenarios taken from Life is Strange, which is property of Dontnod Entertainment. This story is for entertainment purposes only.  
> Song for this chapter is Mystery of Love- Sufjan Stevens

_ “Hey! Chloe wait up!” My lungs burned with exhaustion, and I pushed my aching muscles as hard as I could to catch up with her. And I did, eventually. We ran, jumped and fought through the woodland, screaming with euphoric glee. I skipped over a fallen tree and didn’t notice the layer of spongy moss that glistened with early morning dew. The toe of my tennis shoe caught and I slipped, crashing down into the dirt. I felt a sharp sting on my knee. _

_ “Max!” Chloe was by my side in an instant, “Are you okay, dude?” Her blue eyes were alight with concern as she examined my face for any scrapes. _

_ “I’m okay, think I grazed my knee though.” I rolled up the leg of my jeans to see the damage. Sure enough, there was a pinkish graze streaked along the side of my knee, up to my mid-thigh. _

_ “Ouch, we should go home and get that cleaned up. My Dad has some bandages in his first aid kit.” Chloe had sat down beside me and hand moved my legs to rest on her lap. She ran her fingers up and down my calf to calm me down. I watched her, the way the sunlight hit her hair, her furrowed brow as she looked at my injury, thought, I love you. Not in the way you love a friend or a sister. I loved her like she was the sun and I was the moon, we were part of each other, reflected on one another and I couldn’t ever imagine me without her. Tears welled in my eyes, we were goofing around, teasing each other in that stupid teenage way and the moment didn’t mean anything really. But I never wanted it to end.  _

_ She looked at me, and smiled to give me comfort. _

_ “Hey...why the tears?” She linked her pinky through mine. I just shook my head, leaning over to rest my forehead on her chest. The hand that was tracing patterns on my leg was suddenly under my chin. She looked into my eyes and spoke to me, without words. _

_ I’ll never know where the courage came from but I leaned up and kissed her softly on the lips.  _

 

“What do you need, man?”

 

She was, as I remembered, glorious. She always had been. But so incredibly different now.

 

Her face was messed up with oil smudges and sweat drips, revealed by a black bandanna that held back her unruly mess of blue hair. The odd length of hair that allowed her to tie it back, but the pieces around the base of her skull just escaped, and fell to rest on the nape of her neck, curled and slightly damp. Even behind the dirt and grime, her face was still her face, even more beautiful. I’d never have thought that possible. Her ears were stocked full of piercings, the ones we’d always talked about but never dared to ask our parents for as teens, all of them.

I tried to resist, I truly did, but I couldn’t help looking at her body. Her overalls, clearly a man’s size, too big for her, were worn baggy on her legs, with the sleeves tied around her waist. She wore a tight, white wife-beater, the kind she’d always worn but now had filled it with a toned, muscular body, that still hadn’t lost the lankiness that made her endearing. The tightness of it revealed the outline of her sports bra worn underneath, that just touched her clavicle before disappearing. 

Said clavicles glistened with a sheen of sweat, probably from a combination of no air-conditioning in the Californian heat, and the hard manual labour her job clearly required.

Her arms. I’d specifically left them until last. They meant so much to me. There was a whole world within those arms, a world I never truly got to discover in the ways I wanted to. Now there was a world on them as well. Bright tattoos covered both of her arms top to bottom. Leaves and flowers and skulls and insects and ribbons danced into each other, diving over the hills of her biceps and peeking from the bend of her elbow.

I wanted to trace every one with my tongue.

Taste the salt of her skin and remember who I am.

I knew she’d recognise me, I still looked young, although my hair had grown, and I dressed differently. I couldn’t bare the thought of knowing what was going on in those eyes. Was it hatred, pain, animosity, betrayal?

Nothing felt welcome. So I simply didn’t look.

I heard nothing for the next few moments, nobody spoke. Frank probably sensed something and Chloe was probably so shocked she didn’t know what to say.

 

“Frank? Could you leave us alone for a while?” Her voice was muffled, as if underwater, and I was sinking.

“Um...sure, I’ll go start work on the car.” I could make out the sounds and meanings of the words but they were rounded and distant, I was travelling deeper and deeper and I couldn’t swim back to the surface.

That was, at least, until she pulled me up. In the way she always had done when I was sinking. She was sat by my side now, her body slightly facing in my direction, so close to touching me that I could feel the heat of her thigh next to mine. 

“What are you doing here?” There she was. Her voice had the vulnerability and pain it had all those years ago at the lighthouse. However, it was now tinged with the bitter edge of adulthood.

I didn’t know what answer she wanted, and I couldn’t give it to her even if I had. And she knew me well enough to know I couldn’t give her an answer, neither the true one, nor the one she wanted to hear.

I wasn’t breathing and she must have noticed because she leaned her forehead against my shoulder, and we were back there. This couch became a bench and the California heat became the Oregon sunset. I breathed us in. Not Max and Chloe the individuals, Max the New York photographer and Chloe the LA mechanic. No, we were Max and Chloe, one and the same, no telling where one of us ended and the other began, it calmed me, exhilarated me and panicked me in the exact same flash of a moment.

I felt her breathe us in too. She took a deep breath in through her nose, and I knew what was happening inside her head, of course I did.

Her arms snaked around me, in the way her tattoos snaked around those arms, enclosing me within them. One arm fisted in the hair that fell to the middle of my back, and the other bunched in the back of my jeans, her head was buried in my neck and we sobbed. Hard and long. Her, into the bend where my neck met my shoulder, me into the top of her head, where an inch of strawberry crested a wave of blue.

We sat there for an eternity, in that embrace. As if we could recapture all the years we had missed if we sat there for long enough. We were a tangle of hair and tears and memories, the smell of her hair exactly the same as it always had been.

“Jesus.” She said the word on an exhale, it came out as tired whisper. She pulled away from me and the spell was broken, she sat with her legs wide, leaning her elbows on her knees, clutching her hair.

“Yeah.” I had no idea what to say. I watched her, guessing what was going on inside her head, trying to follow her patterns of thought through the slight movements of her body and her ragged breath. She raked her hands down her face, streaking more faint lines of oil down her cheeks.

The silence and tension that strung out between us wasn’t awkwardness, it was something different, that there was more being said in the dead air between us than what could ever be said with the strangled words we would push out right now.

She cleared her throat, before a question, Coffee?, and an answer, Sure.

 

She had cleaned herself up, changed into a pair of torn up jeans, the same combat boots and an oversized t-shirt, with the logo to Frank’s Auto-repairs emblazoned onto the front of it. She clutched a pack of cigarettes in one hand and motioned with her chin for us to leave, I stood up slowly and followed her out into the sun.

We were walking down the street I’d travelled down not 30 minutes before, still in silence. She was smoking a menthol cigarette, the sharp, musky smell hanging in the air around us,

“Can I bum one?” I spoke up finally, 

“You smoke?” She narrowed her eyes in disbelief, and something else. 

“Yeah.” I confirmed, taking the cigarette that she held out to me. She just raised her eyebrows for a moment, and shook her head slightly, she never was good at hiding her emotions. She got out her lighter, we both stopped walking at the same moment and she cupped the cigarette that now rested between my lips, lighting it as I inhaled. The smoke falling into my lungs relaxed me and I breathed it out along with some of my worries.

“There’s a Starbucks around the corner.”

 

Chloe approached the counter and ordered an espresso for herself and a green tea for me without a second thought. I didn’t know how to feel about this, she clearly ordered my drink instinctively, and maybe she was extending an olive branch by paying for it. Not that she needed to. It wasn’t her that left.

We sat at a secluded, empty table in the quietest corner with our drinks. She sprawled in her casual Chloe way on the padded bench on one side, and I perched on the chair opposite.

I sipped my tea,

“So you’re a mechanic?” 

“Yeah, I got an apprenticeship as soon as I moved out here.”

“You were always good with cars. You understand how things work.”

“Not the things that mattered.”

I looked up from my tea, and saw her staring at me with unintentional intensity. My brain wasn’t engaged then, it was raw emotion speaking from my heart without me knowing it,

“I’m sorry.” It was barely audible, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” I couldn’t stop once I started. I was shaking my head but our eyes never left each other’s gaze. She looked at me with pity. And I resented that more than anything, it angered me. I wished she would show me anger, hatred, anything but pity.

“It was what you had to do, Max.” We both knew this was bullshit, and not what I meant. I knew neither of us hated the fact that I left, that wasn’t the problem. But instead, that we knew our feelings for each other were strong enough to combat our separation, she didn’t have school, obviously had nothing tying her to Arcadia Bay, but I ended it anyway. 

And even beyond simply ending the relationship, I ended all communication with her, at the time I thought I was saving us both from being tied down, but now I know, I stopped talking to Chloe because I resented my own decision. I hated the fact I left, knowing that we could have and would have made it work.

“Do you know what you did to us?” She was gritting her teeth, choking up. I nodded my head. I knew what I did, I ruined us both. It was clear in that moment that she had struggled just as much over the last 5 years as I had, that life outside of Arcadia Bay, and outside of our relationship, had been hard on both of us.

“I know, Chloe. I wish I could fix it.”

“Yeah...you and me both.” 

She took my hand away from where it cupped my tea and linked her pinkie through mine. I knew what it meant, what it always had. It meant we were linked, connected, in a small, seemingly insignificant way that held up the most meaning possible for the two of us. We would link our pinkie fingers under the table at dinner so that our parents wouldn’t find out that our relationship ran far deeper than best friendship. When I jumped at a scary movie we were watching, the simple gesture of linking our fingers would calm my heart rate and relax my tension. Right now, it meant that it was all okay. She forgave me. And nothing was as important as the fact that we were here at this very moment, connected by our pinkies again. 

It was as if our connection had brought Chloe back to the here and now, she sighed and relaxed, and began asking the questions that hung, unanswered between us.

“So why LA? The big apple not big enough for you?” She blew on her coffee and took a sip, leaving my solitary hand on the table,

“I’m here to build a portfolio, models abound in Los Angeles, or so I’ve heard.”

Chloe let out a knowing scoff, that contained some kind of a personal joke that I wasn’t a part of. I never thought that this would be hard, not being a part of her quirks and inside jokes. Nobody knew her better than I did. I guess that wasn’t true now.

“You’ll make it work Max, your talent will speak for itself.” It wasn’t meant to be a compliment, it was truly what she believed, she spoke it as one would tell the time, or whether or not it was raining.

“I just kind of needed a change of scenery too. I love New York, but, it makes you feel small. And then makes you feel guilty over how much weight you place on your problems purely by reminding you how small it all is. It’s too much sometimes, and not enough other times, and then both all at once.” I told into her eyes.

“Being a grown up isn’t as fun as we thought it would be, huh?” She saw into me. I just smiled in response. We both laughed sadly together.

Chloe’s iPhone buzzed on the table, and she turned her gaze to it, not moving any other part of her body but her eyes, scanning the words that I couldn’t quite make out. Her face was completely stoic, and she looked like a stranger in that moment, reminding me that I didn’t know this new woman, not really. I wasn’t the same person I was 5 years ago so why should I expect her to be.

“Listen, I gotta get back to work, but um...what do you say I give you a call when your car is done and we go for a drive somewhere? We’ve got a lot to catch up on.” She’d stood up now, was gathering her things ready to leave. This was something new about Chloe, her short attention span jumped from one thing to another in a flash, she was giving me whiplash.

“Sure, do you still have my number?”

“Oh, you haven’t changed it?” Guilt punched me in the gut. No, I hadn’t changed it. She must have assumed I had given the fact I would never reply to her messages or calls. I couldn’t tell why, it just hurt to much, so I pretended she never existed.

“No. It’s the same.” I looked up at her and she was not looking anywhere. Focused inward instead, and it killed me that I did this to her.

She pursed her lips and took a breath, “Okay. Be seeing you.” She ruffled my hair and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently reading Call Me By Your Name, hence my little obsession with Sufjan Stevens. A really great soundtrack to write and read to though.


	3. Ocean Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back...

**Chapter 3- Ocean Eyes**

 

_ “Hey Max, it’s me… it’s Chloe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know that this is the last time I’m gonna call, I’ve gotten the message that you don’t want to talk to me… it's just...fuck man I miss you. I miss talking to you. Things are… things have been pretty bad since you left. I find that thinking about your eyes helps, Jesus if only I could see them one more time.” There was a long pause. “Listen, I shouldn’t have called. I know you don’t want to talk to me. This was a mistake. I’m sorry, I’ll hang up now. I love you.” _

_ The voicemail ended. I turned over in bed and cried myself to sleep. _

 

I couldn’t get her out of my head. It had been 5 days of torture since I’d seen her, and I was replaying our meeting over in my head. She seemed so much older, her soul clearly far heavier now, even than it had been when we were young. I found myself resenting the reflection I saw in her tired eyes. I had no idea what she had been doing for the last 5 years, who she’d become, but I wanted to find out, I needed to know this new person.

I had pushed Chloe so far into the depths of my mind since I’d been in New York that even thinking about her name had been like touching the flesh inside a wound. It gave me a nervy kind of pain, that tainted even the happiest memories I had of her. And now that I had seen that face again, the pain only worsened. It became incredible and guttural, reminding me of my mistakes and my triumphs all at once, and I never wanted it to end.

I had been on tenterhooks waiting for the phone call that the Bug was fixed and ready to pick up, I tried to convince myself that it was because I needed the car to get to the studio, that the inconvenience of being without a vehicle was what was pulling my mood down. I was lying to myself, of course. I wanted to hear her voice again, see her eyes, so full of the hardships of life but still so full of her.

The burn that had taken up residence in my thighs as a result of walking the three miles to the studio everyday roared into my consciousness. I rubbed the ache through my jeans, for what reason I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps the pain reminded me that this was reality, the muscular pain reminded me that my car was in the shop, which meant that Chloe was working on it, which meant she was here, in LA, which meant she existed. This was a reality I hidden from for far too long. 

I had been touching up the few pictures I had from my small stint as an apprentice photographer in New York in a vain attempt to make myself feel busy despite the void of work that was currently presenting itself in The City of Angels. I was left to ponder on that term for a while, The City of Angels. I had never seen myself as an optimist or an idealist, at least not since leaving Oregon, and therefore it seemed foolish in that moment that I had allowed myself, even for a second, to believe that this city would be something different for me. I was being logical, or so I had thought, and even a little cynical, in thinking that I could cash in on the failing dreams of others, that some of the pretty teenage girl who fled Nowhereville to come to Hollywood in search of stardom would fall into amateur modelling as a means to make money and mediocre success. I had chuckled at their naivety and packed my bags to move to Hollywood in search of success. Only to become a laughable caricature of those I had mocked. The City of Angels. I had been in search of those fallen angels, hoping to manipulate their failures into my successes while maintaining my own heavenly morality. But no, I was Lucifer, draining the life from others as well as what remained of myself.

The grainy light of the early afternoon filtered into the studio, partially blocked now by the shadow of a figure standing in the window. A figure that was smiling. Smiling and waving.

 

The girl was small in stature, only slightly taller than myself, but clearly with far more self-confidence. Her gold hair was pulled off her face in an artfully messy bun, loose tendrils of sun-bleached hair falling onto her pretty face. A face that would scream innocence if it wasn’t for the heavy make-up smudged over her features. Her ears were scattered with piercings, and as she tilted her head at my gawking, the blue feather that dangled from her left ear swayed in the soft breeze. It was the colour of Chloe’s hair. 

She was wearing acid-wash jean shorts and a white linen shirt, tied at her waist, exposing her tanned midriff. Her wrists were stacked with bangles and bracelets with rattled as she waved. 

I had no idea why she was looking at me as if she knew me, but she clearly wanted my attention.

I undid the lock on the door and she burst in, framed by the light of the sun.

“Max Caulfield, right?” Her voice was sweet, matching the softness and youth of her features.

“Yeah...That’s me. Can I help you?” I couldn’t hide the confusion in my voice.

“I think it’s more a case of how I can help you. I heard about you needing models, and well, I’m in need of entertainment and so here I am.” She posed with her hand on her slim hip and looked at me like I was oblivious. She kind of made me feel like I was.

“Oh! Yeah, come on in. I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your email…” I lead her over to the small couch,

“Oh no, I didn’t send one. I’m anti-social media. Prefer to be off-grid.” She didn’t sit down as I had expected her to, instead she wandered around the tiny space, as if she was inspecting it, her arms folded.

“Right.” I had no idea how to respond. The girl seemed nice enough. But her easy-going confidence put me on edge.

“So I was in the area and thought I’d stop by and save your day, I’m a little busy today but if I come back, say tomorrow? You can shoot me then?” Her hazel eyes burned into mine, she gave me the feeling she was always studying me.

“Yeah, sure,” It wasn’t as if I had any other option but to say yes, “around 10?”

“You bet.”

It only struck me once she’d left, I never asked her name.

 

My phone rang around half an hour later, and my heart palpated as Chloe’s name flashed across the screen.

“Hi.” I answered, my whole body on high-alert.

“Hey there...your car’s ready.” it was definitely her, I don’t know why that surprised me,

“Oh great, I’ll come over now.”

“See you soon.” She ended the phone call, possibly abruptly, but I knew I wasn’t exactly thrilling to talk to, even on a good day. And we still had a long way to go before we could speak even as equals.

I grabbed my cigarettes and begun the walk to the garage.

 

When I got there, the place looked mostly closed, the only car in the parking lot was a beat-up truck that felt familiar for some reason, and as I walked past the discarded t-shirts and boots that sat inside gave away that it was Chloe’s. I couldn’t enter through the roll-up shutter door I used the other day because it was closed and padlocked, so I followed the sound of soft-rock with rang out from around the side of the building.

Eventually I found the back door, saw Chloe through the glass panel, smoking what looked like a joint, scrolling through her phone. Her eyes were red, I assumed it was from the weed initially, before she roughly wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. Chloe crying did the same thing to me as what it always had done, struck me right in the core of my being, every pain, we’d shared, felt the other’s hardship as if it were our own. And as those tears rolled down her cheeks, I knew that would never change, no matter where we stood with each other. As if it was some natural instinct, I opened the door so I could get to her. My drive to comfort her was more important than anything else in that moment.

“Hey Captain.” Her old nickname rolled off my tongue automatically, I didn’t give any thought to the fact that it was probably inappropriate at this point,

“Oh Max, hey.” her eyes shot up to meet mine, and she rubbed her face to rid herself of the tears.

I knew better than to ask if she was okay. Whenever she was upset, it just got worse if someone asked her if she was okay. If she wanted me to know, she’d tell me. I wondered if that was still true.

“You want a hit?” She gestured towards the joint which now lay discarded in an ashtray by her side.

“Come on now, you know that’s not a good idea. Remember the last time you got me high?” She responded with a smirk and a quiet laugh,

“I remember it well.” She stood up, “Not sure my swing-set ever recovered.” I couldn’t hold back my laughter. That was one of those long-buried memories that made me long for those teenage days full of blissful freedom and candy-flavoured kisses.

I played it off with a roll of my eyes, “Shut up.” She flashed me a toothy grin and we walked over to the work space where my bug had taken up residence.

“It’s crazy quiet in here today, where is everyone?” I attempted to strike up conversation,

“Oh… yeah.... Well, the place is actually closed on Mondays, but I thought I’d come in and finish up on your car, couldn’t stand the idea of you walking to work on those little legs for another day.” She must have been high, talking to me as if nothing had changed and we were still girlfriends lounging around in her bedroom.

“Well thanks for that, I’m not sure they could take another day either.”

She began to list off the things that were wrong with the bug, and how she’d fixed them, obviously I didn't understand a word of it. It was just nice to see Chloe in her element, she clearly loved this job and was so good at it. I always knew she was talented, she just needed to find her place in the world, and here at Frank’s, I think she had finally found it. 

It didn’t escape my notice that the list of things that had needed fixing on the car was rather extensive, and I could practically feel my wallet getting lighter. I wasn’t even sure I had enough money to cover the cost of the repairs.

“Yo! Earth to Max! Where did you go dude?” Her beautiful face was inches from mine,

“Sorry, thank you so much for doing this Chloe, you’re a lifesaver. So come on then, what’s the damage?” I grabbed my wallet from my back pocket, and started to work through imaginary numbers in my head.

“Seriously? Put that away,” I’m sorry, what? “I’m not charging you for this shit, consider it my housewarming gift.” She leant against the car and waved her hand dismissively.

“No Chloe...I can’t accept this…” 

“Yes you can, and you will. Listen, I want to do this. Please.” I knew that look, she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

I sighed deeply,

“Stop it man, don’t give me the guilty face. Listen, just take the car. It’s the least I can do.” I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant by that but I decided to pick my battles.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t even mention it.” She threw me a wink.

 

I pulled up in the parking garage of the condo around 20 minutes later, Chloe must have been some kind of magician, because the car was running like a dream. Even the radio was playing better.

I took out the cassette and opened the glove box to put it back. As I did, a folded up piece of notebook paper fell out.

 

_ Max, _

_ I’ve been thinking about our conversation all week, and I know we have way more to say to each other.  _

_ Meet me tomorrow night at the Vortex bar on 4th around 8. _

_ You can buy me a drink and we’ll sort this shit out. _

_ See you then, _

_ Chloe. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter- Ocean Eyes, Billie Eilish.
> 
> Yo, yo, yo... It's been a while, huh?  
> So sorry for the wait everyone but my life has been hella hectic over the last month. With the holidays and then coming back to uni and deadlines, writing has unfortunately been forced to take a step back.   
> BUT never fear, I'm going to get back on top of it now, and get chapters out as often as I can.  
> Let me know your thoughts on this chapter, there are hints at a few new things under the surface which will definitely be reappearing a little later.   
> As always, let me know what you think, and I'll see you in the next one. X


	4. The Night We Met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> So sorry this took so long to get out, same old excuse of uni work I'm afraid...but here it is nevertheless! And it's a big one.  
> There are some mentions of addiction, depression and self-harm in here so please be careful.  
> Much love and enjoy.  
> Song for this chapter- The Night We Met- Lord Huron.

**Chapter 4- The Night We Met**

 

_It was the first Christmas since the accident. Joyce was trying to hold Chloe together with every fibre of her being, but everyone who knew her could see it was never going to work._

_Chloe was becoming more and more closed off every day, she wouldn’t speak to anyone, apart from me. Even when we spent time together, we barely exchanged any words. We didn’t need them anyway. We both knew how we felt. And we knew that there were no words in the world that would make it any different._

_I walked with her to Blackwell one morning, she couldn’t face it alone. Once we arrived she began to cry. Quietly, to herself. And I waited with her, her hand in mine as she rode out the sorrow._

_“Hey,” A male voice from behind us rang out, “Chloe...are you okay?”_

_My blood immediately boiled. Of course she wasn’t okay. Her fucking Dad died. But I was always better at hiding my emotions than Chloe._

_“What did you just say to me?” She let go of my hand, her voice a seething whisper._

_“I...I asked if you were okay?” The boy said in mildly amused disbelief,_

_“Oh, yeah, you know what, I’m fucking peachy! My Dad’s dead. You get that? His car was ploughed by a fucking 18-wheeler. And I know that you know that since everyone in this shit-pit of a town can’t stop talking about it. And on top of my depressing life being Arcadia Bay’s biggest gossip topic, I still have to spend my days in Blackhell. So next time you wonder if I’m okay, Hampden, I suggest you keep your curiosity to yourself, got it? Now get out of my face before I make you.”_

_Hot tears streamed down her face, which was blotchy with red-hot rage. I witnessed her slipping away then._

_Not from me, but from who she used to be._

 

The beautiful blonde girl walked into my studio at 10:15 the following morning. She was wearing an oversized t-shirt, tied at the waist with a long cotton maxi-skirt and flip-flops. Of course her wrists were stacked with the same chunky bangles as yesterday and the same blue feather hung from her ear.

“Max! Darling! Where do you want me?” As with yesterday, she burst into the room and spoke as if she’d known me forever, and once again it made me uncomfortable.

“Hi, would I be able to take some details from you before we start?” I attempted to regain control of the situation, but of course it was completely useless,

“I suppose I do have you at a disadvantage, I never introduced myself. I’m Rachel Amber.”

 _Rachel Amber._ Not what I had expected, I had thought maybe Raine or Crystal or something, but Rachel seemed to ground her a little more, which I was grateful for.

“Great to meet you Rachel, I have a consent form here that just means I can use your images to advertise for my photography, and if you could put your cell number and email address on there too that would be great.”

As Rachel got to work on that, we started to discuss my ideas for the shoot. I wanted really natural facial close-ups, and she was completely game, even suggesting that I try some in black and white. And as we went on, I noticed that worked beautifully.

I shot her for around 2 hours, and it was the most fun I’d had behind a camera in years. Rachel was way nicer than I had expected her to be, and no where near as pretentious.

Don’t get me wrong, she was extremely self-confident and talked a little too much but she was nice enough and we chatted easily throughout the session.

I snapped one last picture,

“Okay...I think that’s a wrap.”

“I gotta say Max, I’ve had a damn good time here today, and by the look of those, your portfolio is about to start building itself.” She gestured to the monitor that was now displaying a few of the pictures.

“Yeah, they’re a great start, thank you so much. And if you know anyone else who might be interested in modelling for me, just point them in my direction.” I started to sort through the images and choose the clearest and most effective of the bunch to be retouched and edited.

“Oh sure! In fact, I’m pretty sure my girlfriend would come down and pose for you, I’ll give her your number.”

Oh, I hadn’t realised she was into girls.

“Yeah, that sounds great, thank you.”

“No worries maestro, see you around!” And with that she was gone, and it was as if a tornado had just swept through my shop. The calm after the storm.

She didn’t feel real, I noticed as I sorted through the pictures. There’s no doubt she was beautiful, and captivating. But, none of it felt genuine. The free-spirited nature she displayed through her dress and demeanour felt like it was ready to slip away at any moment, and she would often inadvertently reveal what I believed was her real self in fleeting moments of far away thought when she thought I wasn’t watching. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was like. That girl underneath the squeaky clean disguise.

I worked on the photos all the way through the day, I had managed to lose myself in photography for the first time in a long time. Granted, they weren’t the kind of photos I am truly passionate about, instead they were the kind that paid the bills, well they would be if I could actually get them out there.

I eventually checked the clock, 7:34pm. I couldn’t believe how late it was, the day had flown by. An angry grumble from my stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten all day, consumed by the greatest work ethic I’d had in a long time.

I was suddenly craving nachos and decided that a stop at Taco Bell on my way home was in order. I jumped in my car and I noticed the note lying in the passenger seat.

_Shit...Chloe._

The note had asked me to meet her for a drink tonight. As much as I wanted to convince myself that I wasn’t going to go, that I was going to be strong and not let her or my feelings for her take over my life, it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. Without any second thought, my brain went into autopilot and I found myself driving to the Vortex Bar.

 

At around 8:15pm I pulled into a small, half empty parking lot just off 4th. I looked down at myself feeling suddenly very conscious that I was wearing the same t-shirt and jeans I had been all day, my hair was pulled into a now sloppy ponytail, my bangs and loose tendrils of hair that framed my face curled with humidity of the LA night. I peered into the rear view mirror to check my face, I looked real fucking tired. I wiped away the mascara that had collected under my eyes, making the bags that already resided there even worse. I pinched my cheeks in an attempt for a little colour and climbed out of the car.

The bar was exactly what I would have expected from Chloe. The entrance was just a door sandwiched tightly between a sub shop and a Goodwill, with the word _‘Bar’_ written above it in neon lights. The heavily tattooed bouncer on the door was surprisingly friendly, and welcomed me in with a smile. The door lead me immediately up a flight of stairs into the main portion of the bar which was empty for the most part, only a few middle aged guys in biker jackets sat playing cards around a table, and two young blonde girls who looked way out of their depth and way too drunk.

I wandered around the bar where there was still no sign of Chloe. _Of course,_ I figured she had probably had second thoughts and decided that coming was a bad idea. I mean, if I was her I wouldn't give me the time of day either, after what I did to her, I didn’t deserve her.

I ordered a beer from the older lady behind the bar and decided that here was as good a place as any to drown my sorrows.

I should have been worried, the emptiness was crawling back. I should have noticed that I wasn’t feel disappointed or disheartened at Chloe’s absence, instead I kicked myself for not expecting it. The familiarity of the cold, numb feeling should have terrified me, after what had happened last time...but that’s the thing with numbness, it is completely void of feeling. And so was I. I just wanted to sink my shitty life in the bottom of a beer bottle and forget it existed.

Until…

“Hey Sera, I think I’ll settle my tab now.” My head perked up to the direction of the voice. And there she was, Chloe Price in all her glory leaning over the bar on my left. She hadn’t noticed I was there, her elbows rested on the bar, her arms fully bare exposing all of her tattoos. She was wearing yet another loose, distressed tank top, revealing a black bralette underneath. Her legs were clad in ripped black skinny jeans, and her feet rocked from side to side in her trademark boots. I leaned on my hand and looked at her straight in the face, her beanie was gone and half of hair was collected in a hair tie on top of her head. _Jesus she’s so sexy it hurts._

Her eyes just happened to flicker to the side momentarily before her focus went back to the barmaid. She then took a double take back to me and I raised a hand from my beer bottle in greeting. She just flashed her million dollar smile to the floor and shook her head.

Her smile had always been a beautiful contradiction on her face. It looked like it belonged to someone else, a movie star or a supermodel perhaps. But that it had instead been placed into her childish elfin face, when we were younger I had thought it made her look goofy, like a cartoon character, but now that the rest of her face had matured into beauty, it fit perfectly.

“I didn’t think you were gonna show.” She said quietly as she pulled up the stool next to me.

“Same here,” I replied with a smile, “here, let me get you a drink.” I motioned to the barmaid to bring over two more beers.

We sat in silence for a while, and I can’t pretend it was comfortable. The promise of words that were about to be said hung in the air between us, and we knew each other too well to pretend we didn’t know the other had something to say.

She obviously was thinking the exact same thing.

“So who’s gonna go first?” She side-eyed me over her beer bottle.

“Go ahead…” I took a deep breath and a swig of my drink. She smiled, but on closer inspection it verged on a grimace.

“Listen, I really don’t wanna hurt you, so you gotta understand that isn’t what this is about, okay?” I nodded my head, my anxiety rising by the second, she nodded her head and continued,

“I’m so goddamn pissed at you Max. Like I don’t have a way of describing to you how much I’ve hated you over the last 5 years. More than I’ve hated anything else in my life. And not because of how you made me feel, I know how to deal with heartache by now,” that wasn’t true but I let her continue, “but because I know what we could have been. We could have been beautiful, Max. And so happy.” Her tears were escaping now, “We deserved it, it’s such a fucking shame that it was taken from us before we even got it. But when I saw you at Frank’s, I was even more angry because I was wrong, I didn’t hate you, how could I ever hate you? You’ll always be the most important thing to me. And the fact that just by your being here, you had completely obliterated my entire basis of being for the 5 years. My hatred for you controlled everything I did. And now I know it wasn’t real, it’s fucked me up even more.” I simply looked at her, waiting for all her emotion to be poured out. I knew she was drunk and was speaking out of emotion, but she needed this. And so did I.

“The worst part about it? I can’t place this bullshit on you, you don’t need me, you ran across the fucking country to get away from me and now I’m just back in your life to make it shitty all over again.” Her eyes were streaming with tears and her sentence disintegrated into a mess of sobs.

“No no no, Chloe, that isn’t what happened...please, never think that.” I stood up next to her and instinctively wrapped my arms around her, she sobbed into my shoulder and I let her, for as long as she needed. I whispered what I had come to say into her ear,

“I left because I thought it was what we both needed. I left because I was afraid your feelings for me weren’t real, I didn’t want you to become stuck in a town you hated so much for another year waiting for me. And I talked to my parents about it, they convinced me to go. They said they’d pay my full tuition if I went to NYU. So I did it, I was young and naive, and I didn't know what was right for me.” I took a deep breath, with Chloe’s head still resting on my chest,

“My life in New York was...bad. I got swept up in the wrong crowd, started doing things I shouldn’t have and it sent me into a spiral of depression and addiction. I was finding ways to destroy myself because I hated what I did to us. I hated myself for doing it. And when I no longer had a reason to stay, I got out. And ran as far away from the city as I could.” The blue of her eyes met mine,

“And who would have thought that running would have brought me straight back to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo that was heavy. Please let me know what you thought.  
> PS- Did anyone watch the Umbrella Academy? I'm lowkey obsessed.


	5. She Lays Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one night? Who are you and what have you done with Hannah?  
> Got struck by inspiration and couldn't stop writing tonight, and the last chapter felt a little incomplete so here you go...  
> Also I have put together the songs I have for this fic (the chapter titles plus a few more) on a spotify playlist that you can find here https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> So once again we have mentions of addiction, depression and self harm so please skip if this can be in any way distressing for you. If you need help, let a loved one know. You are never alone.  
> Song for this chapter is She Lays Down- The 1975.  
> Enjoy this one, because from here on out, their bubble is about to be burst, big style.

**Chapter 5- She Lays Down**

 

_“Steph! What the fuck?” Both Stephs snorted at me._

_“Come on Max! It’s spin the bottle, kissing is part of the deal.” My double vision focused a little and through the haze I saw her tapping her lips expectantly. Even through my alcohol induced slump, I knew that I didn’t want to kiss her. Sure, she was hot and a nice enough person but something inside me was screaming no._

_I mean, of course it wasn’t lost on me that the last person I kissed was Chloe. If I kissed Steph now, it felt like I would be cutting off the last physical tie I had to her._

_A huge part of me wanted to, maybe if I kissed her now I would forget, maybe she would override Chloe entirely. I suddenly felt very sick._

_“I gotta go…” I ran away from the circle to the sound of laughter at my expense._

_After emptying the contents of my stomach, the coldness of being sober brought the rocks that were tied around my heart crashing down._

_I lied in fetal position crying all my pain out. The tiles of the bathroom floor pressed against my cheek, to the point where I wasn’t sure whether it was the floor or my cheek that was colder. There was no knock as the bathroom door opened, there stood Steph smiling lazily._

_“Hey man, stop. Come on, you don’t need to do this.” She knelt by my side, not touching me, but close enough that I could feel her heat._

_“Listen, I know you’re hurting. I don’t know who he was but he must have done a real number.” He. Ha._

_“Look, I have something for you. If you want it.” She held my hand at passed the tiny white pill to me with one swift movement._

_And with that movement. She didn’t know it. Nor did she mean it. But she pulled what remained of my life down to rubble._

 

Her eyes were dry now, and full of genuine concern for me. It was always something I’d admired and envied in Chloe, her ability to become so absorbed in another person, when I was upset or worried, her entire being became focused on me and she was as much a part of me as I was.

“So after that party, I guess that was it.” I began tugging at my ponytail, a nervous tick that grew along with my hair.

“It?” Her eyebrows peaked at the middle,

“Yeah, I started sleeping around, with guys, girls, it didn’t matter to me.” I deliberately avoided her eyes. “It was just constant, I have no idea how I completed my studies, I feel like I was constantly high, I used anything to get away from facing up to what I had done.”

“Fuck Max, I...I don’t know what to say.” Chloe whispered, she was barely audible, I didn’t know if it was more to me or to herself.

I had more of the story to tell, but I think we both needed a minute to come to terms with what I had just said. The blissful quiet was broken by the barmaid (Sera?) letting us know it was last orders. Chloe said something to her in a low voice, I wasn’t listening by that point, or maybe I was and I just couldn’t remember, I don't know. Sera threw Chloe the keys and asked her to lock up after she left. I didn’t even question this, of course Chloe was in the pocket of the bar owner, why wouldn’t she be?

In that moment I looked around and noticed the place was empty, I momentarily wondered how long we had been alone. It was probably a weird place to break the silence but I did anyway,

“Anyway, I used party drugs while I was out, with alcohol, I’m sure I did some pretty bad things, not that I remember. But I got hooked on painkillers that my friend Fernando got for me for a long time. I just liked feeling numb. I wanted to forget. That was until Steph noticed what was going on with me, she helped me out of it. I guess that’s a little odd when she got me into all this shit in the first place.” I smiled a little.

“Were you guys…? Did you…?” I have to admit it was cute watching Chloe get all flustered and embarrassed.

I nodded my head.

“Yeah...we were together for around a year.” I said this without any shame. We were adults, we both understood that in our time apart we had become different people, and that amount of growth comes with some baggage. Nevertheless, Chloe stayed silent.

“We decided about this time last year that we weren’t right for each other though. It turns out both of our minds and hearts were elsewhere.” I cast my eyes towards her, she met my gaze shyly.

“She helped me though, massively. Her...phase had ended way earlier than mine and she helped me out of it, she’s still a great friend to me...even though she couldn’t help with everything.” This was the point where the rocks wrapped around my heart made a comeback, i felt like my heart was being dragged through my body, then the floor, then crashing through the rocks beneath.

Her touch was the solution to it all, I felt her pinky finger wrap through mine.

“Max...what is it? You can tell me.” She was whispering, as if she was afraid of scaring me away.

“I replaced it with something else.” I took my free hand and ran my fingers over the thin white lines on my forearm. I knew she’d noticed, how could she not? And in that moment she did everything, and nothing all at once. She simply looked at my face, not at my scars or my flaws, she didn’t look at the version of me I’d presented in my story. She looked at me, Max. The same Max she had known all her life, and in that moment we were 16 again, looking in each other’s eyes as if we were the only two people we would ever know. We were joined only by our little fingers, but there was no only about it. It was the whole of ourselves connecting in a way we hadn’t in years.

She nodded her head, answering my invisible insecurities.

I don’t know how long we sat there, staring at each other. It was so familiar I could almost here the cheesy banjo music in the Two Whales, or the distant waves from the beach.

We were broken from it by the sound of my stomach reminding me I hadn’t eaten all day. My late night Taco Bell interrupted by my visit to the bar. Ever the one to break the mood, Chloe responded audaciously.

“Whoa Max, when did you swallow a dinosaur?” I simply chuckled in response. It was going to take me a while to get used to Chloe’s mood swings again. Though, at that moment I was grateful for them.

“Come on, I know a great place just around the corner. You fancy breakfast?”

 

Stella’s 24hr Diner made me feel like I had just stepped back in time. With the sound of clanging silverware and the hum of the jukebox I half expected Joyce to come sauntering round from the counter; her arms stacked full of eggs and bacon. Instead, Chloe just shouted straight through the hatch to some guy she called ‘Trev’ asking him to make 2 Belgian Waffles. This got her a gruff ‘Sure, Price’ in return and she guided my to one of the red vinyl booths on near the back of the diner. She sat opposite me.

“I hope you still like waffles.” Chloe said, her usual confidence returning.

“Of course I do. I think the last good Belgian waffle I had was made by your Mom when I was 13.” At the mention of Joyce Chloe froze for a second, and her breath caught. I think she thought I didn’t notice, but Chloe Price was nowhere near as subtle as she thought she was. The wall that cornered the booth was covered in tiny Polaroids of celebrities that had visited the diner over the years. I recognised most and was randomly drawn to the line of actors which included Harrison Ford, Lucille Ball and Keanu Reeves. The common denominator in all of the photos was an older lady with huge white curls and a pair of bedazzled cat-eye glasses. Though in the photo with Lucille Ball, the curls looked blonde through the black and white.

“That’s Stella, this was her place. Great lady. She died 2 months ago and left this place to her grandson Trevor.” She motioned toward the kitchen. I nodded my head, I wanted to know how Chloe had formed such deep connections with so many people here. I’d spent the same amount of time in New York and never felt as at home as she appeared to here. I don’t know if that said more about me or her, though.

“She loved taking photos, I know it seems like it’s all celebrities but here.” She got up, jumped over the counter and pulled down a framed photograph that was a lot larger than all the rest. “She valued family the most.”

The photograph showed Stella, looking considerably older than in the other photographs, surrounded by around 10 other people. Two identical girls who looked like her but with blonde hair and fewer wrinkles, with what looked like their husbands and grown up kids, one of which I recognised as Trevor from the kitchen. And then snuggled on the end of the group was a smiling Chloe, hair a little brighter blue than it was right now and much shorter, closer to how it was when I had last seen her. She looked so happy, her face fuller and brighter. It made me smile.

“I think she always thought me and Trevor would end up together. Neither of us had the heart to tell her that there was one small problem with that plan.” She sighed with a smile and continued into stories of the diner and her time with the family.

“I know it sounds silly but...this place always made me think of you.” She said as she returned from putting the picture back in its place.

“It’s probably all the Polaroids.” I tried not to grimace.

“Yeah, I hardly ever saw you without that goddamn camera in your hand.” She laughed around the words, sounding so much like Joyce it was scary, “Apart from now, I suppose.” I could tell she was hinting. I took pictures 24/7 when we were younger, she must have found it odd that I came back from photography school taking fewer pictures than ever.

“I fell out of love with it.” No use mincing my words. “I guess it just reminded me too much of…” _You._ “...home.” Chloe bobbed her head once more.

Trevor, who was almost as heavily tattooed as Chloe, brought out our waffles and we ate them, swaying awkwardly to the music that sounded from the jukebox.

The food was delicious and I practically inhaled it. Chloe laughed and remarked about how I could still put it away quickly. After a slight squabble over who should pay, Trevor got frustrated and told us it was on the house, we both put a sizeable tip in the tip jar and left for home.

I decided to catch an Uber back to my place as there was no sign of a cab and it was way further than I was willing to walk. Once it arrived, Chloe climbed in with me and insisted she was going to see me home safe. We got back to my place and Chloe jumped out of the car, letting the driver know she’d be back in a sec.

“Listen Max, I’m so glad we talked, and I want you to know...I guess I mean...I…” _Yeah Chlo, I don’t know either._

“I’ll see you soon?” Of course I decided this was the best way to end the conversation. _Max, you idiot._

She simply nodded her head and said, “Call me, okay?” I had no idea what this meant, did she want to carry on talking like we had been tonight, like old times? Of course this wasn’t feasible. I knew nothing about her life anymore, we had a long way to go before we became anything more than acquaintances again.

“Sure.” Still neither of us moved. We just stood, around a foot apart waiting for the next moment to happen.

The humid LA night hung around us, closing in and creating a vacuum, void of the world and anything else that might have broken our stare. I felt everything more deeply. _I want to kiss you._

I wanted to, so bad. But I wasn’t a kid anymore, and neither was she, there must of been some part of both of us that knew that wasn’t a good idea.

She simply squeezed my shoulder and wandered back into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh honey...you got a big storm coming.


	6. Somebody Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, you guys have blown me away with your theories and responses, thank you so much!  
> I've got the bug back when it comes to this story and just can't seem to leave my laptop atm, I actually had to stop myself writing and cut my ideas for this chapter into two to prevent it being too long.  
> So here's where a few things are revealed regarding Rachel so buckle up because it's about to get dramatic.  
> Oh and Warren is about to make an appearance too!  
> As always, let me know your thoughts <3
> 
> Song for this chapter is another one from the 1975- Somebody Else.

**Chapter 6- Somebody Else**

 

_“No way Max, it’s you and me. Forever. Who else would put up with my bullshit?” Chloe and I were sat on her couch at 5:15pm on a Thursday. Joyce had taken the late shift at the diner and David was off being a douche someplace else, leaving us to entertain ourselves for the evening. We had decided to watch Blade Runner for the billionth time, Chloe made us popcorn and we were snuggled up discussing how much she was crushing on Pris._

_“I wouldn’t even consider anyone else man. You know that.” She’d gotten very serious all of a sudden, her finger linked through mine._

_I simply smiled in response. I loved her so much. But the knowledge that in a few short weeks, I would be at the other side of the country, without her, prevented me from reassuring her validation._

_I had no idea how I was going to tell her, seeing how happy she was right now, I never wanted to break that. And the selfish part of me couldn’t handle the idea that I wouldn’t be hers anymore. I couldn’t come over and wrap up in her arms and forget about the world. I had to be alone. Without the one person who I relied on the most. My Mom had assured me that I would have plenty of ‘friends’, and that Chloe was just one of many._

 

_“No-one ever stays friends with the people they are friends with as teens, Maxine.”_

 

_I’m sure she was right, I had to believe that. The fear that I would be alone was just too great to face. However, I was also sure that her motivations for her enthusiasm for New York were mainly focused around the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see Chloe anymore. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical._

 

When I woke the next morning, the previous night felt like a dream. Or a memory, at least, from a long time ago. My mind was buzzing full of clanging beer bottles, old family photographs and late night waffles. It had helped me feel alive though. I had dropped out of the cloudy stupor I’d existed in since coming out here, and was seeing everything more sharply through the hazy LA day. And I was actually motivated to go to work today.

I _know, shocker._

I arrived into the studio just before 9 and settled in front of my desktop. My eyes were caught by the blinking light on the ancient answering machine that I had yet to use, I had figured, who uses landline phones anymore? Out of curiosity, I pushed the play button.

 

“Max, darling! It’s Rachel! So listen, I talked to my girlfriend and she agreed to pose for you! Isn’t that just fabulous! Anywho, I was thinking maybe -since you’re new to the area and all- you might want to come over for dinner at our place on Saturday? We could talk about your plans for the shoot, and I’m sure it would be nice for you to socialise a little.” _Wow, didn’t know that was your decision to make._ “You have my number so just drop me a text to let me know if you can make it! Laters!”

Even her voicemail had the ability to leave me feeling like I’d just been through 5 rounds with Mike Tyson. As much as I kind of resented the way she’d made it sound like I had absolutely no life at all, she had a point. It might be nice for me to meet some new people, and god knows I needed a break from all the Chloe drama going on in my life.

I sent Rachel a quick text to let her know that I would be attended dinner on Saturday, to an instantaneous reply of: **Wonderful, we’ll see you then!** Along with her address.

By that afternoon, I’d made a full collection of the shots I’d taken of Rachel, and they had turned out pretty great, even if I do say so myself. They looked natural and beautiful, I suppose it didn’t hurt that she looked like she had just stepped off the pages of some posh magazine, but I decided to give myself a little credit nevertheless.

After such a successful day at the studio yesterday, I decided to give myself an early finish, I packed my things up around 2:30pm and set off in the bug home.

Naturally, I got stuck in traffic on the drive home which allowed me to think a little about the whirlwind of the past couple of weeks. The quick decision to pack up and cart myself to LA for the summer had only happened around a month ago, yet I felt like an entirely different person to when I had decided. The Max in New York was pretty certain that the Chloe Price chapter of her life was dead and buried, she has resigned herself to believing that all those moments that were left unlived with Chloe were just beautiful fragments of what would never be. Echoes of memories of a time that never happened.

But now, seeing that face again, had brought me into a whole new reality. One where Chloe was back in my atmosphere again, though in what context I still wasn’t sure. There were moments of my time with Chloe that I had felt almost as if we were back in that closely intimate relationship, when we said more in an exchange of looks than most did in their lifetime. But then again, there was still something missing. A lot missing if I was being honest with myself. The main element, I suppose, was me. I had changed and I was pretty sure that some of the damage left on me by New York was irreversible, that I had been permanently changed by that portion of my life. I was different now, and no matter how many times I tried to convince myself of this, it didn’t become any easier to comprehend. I needed to get to know myself before getting involved with her again, the rational part of my brain knew that all too well.

But then again, who was I to deny how I felt about her. There was no possible way of denying that. She will always and forever be my soulmate. But, I guess I was about to find out whether that would be enough.

Another thought that rattled around in the back of my brain was that Chloe was withdrawn from me in a way I didn’t recognise. I had never seen it before. Yes, time and distance had separated us, but I felt that she was hiding something, purposefully closing a part of herself off from me. Of course, I couldn’t blame her for this, it was wise not to let her guard down just yet, maybe she was simply protecting herself. But I couldn’t help but think that there was more to it than that.

By the time I pulled into the parking garage it was 3:45. I decided that there was plenty of time to take a short walk and breathe in some sea air. To clear my mind and soul.

As I was locking up the apartment, the door to the right of me swung open.

Out of the doorway strolled a lanky man of around 6 feet, his shaggy brown hair fell into his eyes as he bobbed his head to the tune he was whistling. His shoulders hunched over slightly, giving him the silhouette of an awkward teenager who hadn’t quite grown into his body. As I pulled my keys out of the lock, the chiming rattle of the keys captured his attention as his eyes flickered up to look at me.

“Hey! Mrs Caulfield, you look different!” He had an easy going air and a jovial tone as he greeted me. I laughed in response. My own awkward nature meant that I didn’t quite know how to respond.

“Um yeah hi… I’m Melda’s great-niece, Max.” I raised my hand in a sort-of halfhearted wave,

“I’m just playing with you Max, your Aunt is a great lady but lets just say… there’s no mixing you two up.” There was a glint in his eye that made me a little uncomfortable. _I guess she was right about him being a ‘nice young man’._

“I’m Warren, I live next door.” Ah yes, I remembered the name from Melda’s note.

“Great, well, I know where to come if I need a cup of sugar.” Was my brilliant reply. Truth be told, I just wanted to get out of there. My instincts were telling me this guy was flirting with me and, as it turns out, shouting ‘I’m gay!’ at men wasn’t always the most socially acceptable solution to unwanted male attention. Even though it was true. Warren seemed nice enough, and I was sure it was my own social ineptitude that was making this situation all kinds of unbearable.

“Listen, I gotta run, but I’ll see you around?” He was the one to end the conversation. Thank God. And I kicked myself for how I’d been toward him, the poor guy was probably just trying to be friendly and I’d been unfair. We said a quick goodbye and both went on our way.

 

As it turns out, my walk along the beach did the trick. There was something about the sound of crashing waves and the dry smell of salt in the air that calmed me. I silently sent thanks to Aunt Melda for choosing a condo along the one quiet portion of shore that existed in the area, I only saw a few other people, walking dogs or jogging who’s presence only helped ground me in the present rather than distracting me from my thoughts. I found myself concentrating on one old lady walking her dog, a small black poodle. She walked slowly, perhaps because that was all her body would allow for, without taking her eyes off the slowly dropping sun over the ocean, save for a few glances at her pet. And long after she’d left the paved walkway I was taking, I found m thoughts stuck on her, and my actions copying hers. As my walk slowed to a steady stroll, I found myself taking it all in far more. The beauty of where I was, and how lucky I was to be experiencing it, my eyes were glued to the same spot in the sky that hers had been. And, for the first time in a long time, I found myself wishing I had brought my camera. Not the digital one I used in studio, but my old Polaroid that had previously belonged to Chloe’s father. I wanted to take a picture. Print it out. And save it simply for my own pleasure. This was a revelation that hadn’t struck my in a very long time. Of course, I didn’t have it with me, I never kept it on me anymore. It was back in the condo, I’d brought it to LA with me as a kind of comfort blanket. A little reminder of the past.

That night I slept like the dead. Something about being windswept and the exercise seemed to really take it out of me, and I was grateful. I made a mental note to take walks more often.

 

By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, I’d almost forgotten about dinner at Rachel’s place. The light streaming through the living room window was just verging on dusk when my phone chimed.

**Max! I’ve had an absolute nightmare of a day, I can’t begin to tell you about it. Long story short I’m going to be a little late for dinner, but my girlfriend has agreed to let you in and keep you entertained until I arrive back. I should be home no later than 9, a tragedy, I know! But nevertheless, you’re welcome to head on over any time.**

 

The fact that Rachel was running a little late meant that I didn’t have to panic about getting ready too quickly. Not that it took me long anyway.

I decided to dress up a little, it was about time I started making an effort again. And this was my opportunity to make myself into the person I wanted to be, not the one that circumstance had forced upon me. I rifled through the still packed suitcase that lied on the bedroom floor, articles of clothing randomly pulled out and strewn around. I eventually settled on a denim skirt and white blouse, teaming it with my white converse for a pretty, yet laid back casual look. My hair fell naturally pin-straight to my mid-back, I’d been meaning to get it cut for a while now but always settled on chopping my bangs out of my eyes myself with the kitchen scissors rather than face the ordeal of going to a salon. I teased it a little, to no avail, but at least it made me feel like I had put in some kind of effort, coated my eyelashes in some mascara and left for Rachel’s apartment.

My stomach was growling by the time I reached her door, she lived in the penthouse, naturally, of a pretty nice building around a half hour from my apartment. I held back the slight hit of jealous that pierced my mind as I knocked. I could here the recognisable flow of a little-known indie rock band I used to listen to as a teen playing inside and before I had the chance to run away in a fit of anxiety, I knocked on the door.

 

_Of course._

I don’t know if I said it out loud or not, but it was all I could think. Of course, it all makes perfect sense. I don’t know who I expected to open the door, but frankly, I should have fucking known.

Those familiar blue eyes widened in disbelief as she saw me stood on the threshold of the apartment. I let out a sarcastic cough and shook my head while she remained still. The realisation of the situation dawned on the both of us.

Chloe’s mouth opened and closed a few times with the promise of questions, an explanation, anything. But nothing came out, and to be fair to her, I didn’t have the courage to say anything either.

I felt unjustified tears welling in my eyes, how could I think things were getting better? Why was I angry that the person I wanted to be happy more than anyone in the world, was just that? Happy with someone other than me.

After a while, she motioned with her head for me to follow her inside. I hesitated for a moment, considering fleeing. She had turned her back, she couldn’t see me, it would make everything better if I too turned around, walked away and removed myself from this perfect life she’d built, left her alone.

_No, that won’t solve anything. It didn’t work before._

So I followed her inside.

 

* * *

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” We were sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, each with a beer in hand.

Chloe shrugged, “I didn’t know how.” I couldn’t hold back my laugh at her reply, we had just spent an entire night together, discussing the raw and gory details of the last 5 years and she had failed to mention that she had gotten in a relationship with, never mind moved in with, someone.

She noticed my reaction.

“Yeah you’re right, I always was a fucking coward Max, you know this.” No, no she wasn’t, the Chloe I knew would speak her mind in the face of anything. She was brave, fearless and unabashedly herself, fuck what anyone thought of it.

“I wouldn’t have been mad Chloe, you aren’t doing anything wrong. I...I just wish you would have told me, that’s all.” I was trying to keep a lid on my emotions but I could feel the threat of anger seeping through the cracks.

“I know you wouldn’t, I guess I just thought that we...I mean hoped that maybe…” Her brows were scrunched together in a mass of wrinkles and frustration, yet her eyes betrayed her shyness.

“You hoped what, Chloe?” I was upset, and so so mad, I knew her and what a scoundrel she could be, I just hoped that my suspicions were wrong and she wasn’t going to try and start something up with me without telling me about Rachel.

“I don’t know man, I didn’t expect this to happen, what me and Rachel have is good, and I’m comfortable here but I didn’t expect _you_ of all people to come back into my life right now. Jesus Christ, why did it have to be you?” She said the last sentence to herself more than me.

“And what? You thought you would just keep meeting up with me without telling me that you were in a fucking relationship, Chloe? Is that what you thought? Because you do realise how fucked up that is?” I was probing her with questions and my voice had risen to an angry shout by this time.

“Of course I do! Of course I realise how fucked up I am! I always have been haven’t I? You should know that more than anyone. And I know that nothing I’ve done over the past week has been right by you or Rach, I lied to her about where I was the other night when I was with you, I completely failed to mention her existence to you, so yes, I realise I’m fucking up big time. But, newsflash! I’m Chloe motherfucking Price, fucking up is what I do best.” She said the whole thing through gritted teeth. “And you don’t even know the best of it.”

Now that confused and concerned me, the situation was bad enough and the way she said that made it sound like there was something even worse to this story.

“What is it?” My curiosity got the best of me, but I lowered my voice because I could see she was beginning to get upset.

“She’s going to be here soon Max, and I know it’s not fair but I have to ask you to do something.” _Ah, fuck, this can’t be good._

She took a deep, calming breath.

“When I moved out here, I wanted to cut all ties to my true past. So I made up a new one. I told people- Rachel, Frank, Stella- everyone. That I was from San Fransisco and my parents, _both_ my parents, had died in a car crash when I was 14 years old.”

 

The door threw open.

 

“Bonjour my dears, I’m home!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me all your thoughts and theories...I'm going to get back to writing:)
> 
> PS- What did we all think about that ending to the comic? I have some pretty strong opinions that I'm more than ready to discuss lol. Run over to my tumblr, she-cant-think-straight, to read my thoughts in all their gory detail...


	7. Ever Since We Met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, this one really ran away with me. I apologise in advance.
> 
> Song for this one is Panic! at the Disco- Nearly Witches (Ever since we met)  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy

**Chapter 7- Ever Since We Met.**

 

_“Can’t dance, hippy? Come on, shake that bony white ass!” Chloe’s arms flailed out around her as she danced on her bed. The joint, that seemed to be a permanent fixture in her hand these days, was clutched between her thumb and forefinger. She took occasional short drags from it as its smoke adorned the air around her head, curling like ribbons in her short blonde hair, that darkened every day._

_I made a vain attempt to try and dance a lame two step before she jumped down, laid the joint in an ashtray and grabbed my hands._

_“Really, that’s the best you can do?” She scoffed at me and smirk before placing my hands on her shoulders and wrapping her own around my waist. Our bodies were brought close. The intensity of the rock song that was playing fell away, our height difference meant that her lips rested on my forehead as she silently recited the lyrics against my skin._

_Something had changed in our relationship, we both knew it. We felt like adults now, and as much as I loved kissing her and holding her, it wasn’t enough anymore. These heated moments of sexual tension were becoming more and more common._

_I’d known her forever, yet as she held my chin in her hand in that moment, I still felt shy. I didn’t even have time to think about anything other than the smell of her perfume as her face descended to mine. The kiss was tangled and hard and passionate and her hands moved to bunch in my chin-length hair._

_Our tongues battled for dominance, her’s always winning of course. I grabbed her waist roughly, eliciting a soft moan into my mouth. Chloe pulled me backwards and onto the bed, which caused us to finally break the kiss breathlessly. Her shit-eating grin was ridiculous, she wiggled her eyebrows at me like some cheesy porn star. I broke out in gostering belly laughs until my sides hurt._

_“Really, Caulfield? You’re gonna kill my dignity like that? I really don’t think that was funny…” She said the whole thing through her own held back laughter._

_I decided to use the moment. My laughter died down and I crawled over to where she lied on the bed. I swung my leg over her torso and straddled her waist, brave with heady energy all of a sudden._

_“No, I don't think it was funny either…” I lowered my face down and whispered the words into her ear, I could feel her breath on my ear as it caught._ **_Bingo._ **

_I knew it worked as she growled and rolled over on top of me._

 

It had been approximately 47 minutes since Rachel had burst into the penthouse clutching paper bags filled with Chinese takeout. And I had felt every second.

I was once again grateful for her ability to override any situation she was in with her confidence and energy. It meant that the horribly tense atmosphere residing between Chloe and I went mostly unnoticed.

I have to admit that when she greeted Chloe with a kiss as she entered the apartment, it hurt. Like, really hurt. And I could tell Chloe knew it. She barely returned the kiss and cleared her throat with a pleading look toward me.

I don't know what she wanted from me, in all honesty. She kissed her girlfriend when she came home, there’s nothing wrong with that, so why did she look at me like she was saying sorry?

I simply took a deep breath and greeted Rachel friendly.

It’s fair to say Chloe had me wrapped around her little finger because I pretended I had no idea who she was, that we had never met before tonight. This of course gave Rachel the painful ability to introduce us.

“This is Chloe Price, my better half.” She had said, and a small, spiteful part of me wanted to scream that she was mine. My other half. My whole. She always had been.

Chloe was surprisingly (or should I say unsurprisingly- given the amount of lies she had told) a good actress. She played the part of the doting girlfriend, making light small-talk with me as if I were one of her girlfriend's new friends. Which, I guess I was. From outside eyes, that’s all we were.

I had tuned out of Rachel’s constant chatter a while back, I could feel myself shutting off the whole situation, it was my only means of coping.

“...and then of course Chloe has such a specific look, we thought that she would be perfect for your portfolio. Right Chlo?” Rachel was speaking to Chloe but looking at me. She was the perfect hostess.

A beat passed and Chloe didn’t respond. This caught my attention more than anything Rachel had said over the last hour or so. I looked up at her and she was staring across the table at what looked like my hands gripping the chopsticks.

“Chloe?” Rachel side-eyed her and gave her a nudge with her elbow. She broke out of her reverie,

“Hm? Sorry, I kind of zoned out there…” She shook off the trance and looked at Rachel,

“That’s okay, honey. I was just telling Max how we came up with the idea of Max shooting you for her portfolio.” She rested her hand on Chloe’s thigh affectionately, Chloe stiffened.

“Oh yeah, sure.” She replied stoically,

“Are you okay? You seem a little out of it.” Rachel’s words conveyed concern but her tone of voice did not. She removed her hand from Chloe and went back to eating her noodles.

“I’m okay, just a little tired is all. Work really took it out of me today.” She gave a tight smile, “In fact, I’m just going to excuse myself for a moment if that’s okay.” Me too, Chloe, me too.

“Sure, hon. We can keep ourselves entertained.”

Chloe grabbed her cigarettes and went out onto the balcony.

 

Rachel and I made comfortable small talk for the 15 minutes or so that Chloe was gone, but all I could concentrate on was the small slither of her reflection I could see in the french-style doors out of the corner of my eye.

She started gathering up the dishes.

“I’m actually going to pop out for one too, Rachel. Is that okay?” I don’t know why she made me feel like I had to ask for permission.

“Oh, you smoke?” Her tone was disapproving.

“Girl’s gotta have a vice right?” I didn’t wait any longer for her response.

 

The door closed softly behind me as I stepped out onto the balcony, Chloe was just sparking up what I assumed was her third cigarette. She didn’t look at me as I stood next to her against the iron railing, her gaze fixed steadfast on the twinkling lights of Los Angeles in the night. I couldn’t get my lighter to spark up properly, and after a few failed attempts Chloe offered hers.

“Thanks…”

“This is wild, right?” Chloe said through a bitter laugh,

“Yeah...insane…” She needed to get this out.

“If this wasn’t us, this whole thing would be kind of funny,” Her eyes never moved, “like, my ex-girlfriend just so happens to be the new photographer my current girlfriend is obsessed with. It’s like a comedy of errors.” She didn’t find it funny, though. And neither did I.

“Yeah…” I really didn’t know what to say.

“Jesus, I knew I was a fuck up, but how did it get this bad?” She wasn’t a fuck up. She had made some mistakes but I was the last person who could criticize her for that. I couldn’t stop myself from comforting her,

“Stop doing that to yourself.” I whispered, barely audible. She didn’t listen to me. Her soft sobs started to ring out into the night. She’d been drinking all night, quickly and heavily, and I was pretty sure she thought I hadn’t noticed, or that I didn’t care. But this outpouring of emotion and self-loathing was telling of how much she’d drank.

“After everything, I thought I’d escaped it… thought I’d finally managed to scramble together some semblance of a functioning life but...no. How could ever think that I could be happy?” She wiped her eyes gruffly and went inside.

After I’d finished my cigarette I went back in, Rachel and Chloe were talking in heated whispers to each other. _What a fucking good-looking couple, eh?_

“...Rach, don’t leave me alone with her, she’s your friend!” _Ouch_.

Rachel noticed me,

“Hey, Max, terrible news! My friend Vicky has gotten into a catastrophic fight with her boyfriend and is in desperate need of Ben & Jerry’s and Rachel cuddles, so I’m going to have to dash. I made desert, my famous chocolate cake, and it’s in the fridge. I’ll leave you with Chloe to discuss the shoot.” She ran over and pulled me into a hug, giving me air-kisses just off each of my cheeks.

“Au revoir!” And with that she was gone.

This left Chloe and I alone, once again. Her shoulders relaxed like she’d just put down a heavy weight and she collapsed on the couch. I just stayed stood in the middle of the kitchen floor. The silence returned.

I walked over to the living room and sat on the other end of the couch were Chloe was now sprawled.

“I moved here around four months after you left,” Chloe began speaking, she must have finally worked up the courage to tell her story, “I couldn’t cope at home anymore, you made it bearable, but with you gone, I had to get out of there. David he...he bailed me out of jail one night for dealing weed and...he got mad. Like really mad, had me up against the wall outside my house. I guess that was the finally straw for me. I packed as much stuff as I could into my backpack and hawled ass to the bus station. I got together all the cash I could find in the house and came here.” I already had so many thoughts, but thought I’d let her continue.

“I didn’t even tell my Mom that I was leaving, I didn’t care. I figured she’d made her choice. David over me. So I ditched my phone on the bus, I haven’t spoken to her since.” _Poor Joyce._

“I was homeless for a little while, of course. But I thought not being in a house at all was better than being in that house. That’s how I met Stella, she saw me sleeping outside of her diner one day and invited me in, I got a job there for a while and she took me in. They became like family.” I nodded my head, the photo made sense now.

“That’s when I made up the story, I told people my name was Chloe Price, I was from San Francisco and I’d been in care since the age of 14, when my parents both died in a car accident.”

“Poor Joyce, she doesn’t deserve this.” I couldn’t hold in my thoughts. I really hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Poor Joyce? For real Max? You don’t know shit.” Her tone was bitter, and I didn’t recognise her in that moment,

“Oh? I don’t know shit? I’ve known that woman since my birth, and I know she doesn’t deserve to be dead. I know that neither she, nor you, deserve to lose the one piece of your family that’s left! Yes, David was a shithead, he always was, but can you blame your Mom for trying to find love again, really? That’s all we wanted after your Dad passed.” I could see her blood boiling, I was making her angry. But I didn’t care, I wanted to fight with her, I wanted to scream about this whole fucked up situation.

“Her relationship with David was completely different to what we had, don’t make it seem like it’s even remotely similar.” She seethed,

“No Chloe, I don’t think it was. I think we were all just trying to hold on tight to what made us feel good, and feel loved. We were so afraid of losing it…” I justified,

“Yeah, but that happened anyway didn't it?” She laughed bitterly,

“Chloe, that’s not fair.”

“No, you know what’s not fair? That both of us are here right now, in situations we don’t want to be in. All because of the shit hand we’ve been dealt. I mean, I finally get you back and look what happens…” She wasn’t making any sense…

“What do you mean?” My voice was barely a whisper,

“I mean that...fuck...are you really gonna make me say it? You want me to confess that since you walked into the garage the other week, I can’t get you out of my head? That I can barely look at Rachel because she just reminds me that I can’t have you? That you are the only person who will have my heart, ever, in my life?” She was shouting, her words were full of anger at the world.

“You don’t have the right to say this Chloe, you’re in a relationship...this is torture and it isn’t fair. You don’t have the fucking right.” I stood up to leave.

“No. You don’t have the right. You don’t have the right to come back into my life right now, I _just_ got my shit together.” She followed me to the door. I opened it and she came up behind me and slammed it shut again with both hands. Trapping me against it. I could feel her laboured breath at my ear.

She whispered,

“You don’t have the right to do this when I’m still so fucking in love with you.”

 

What I did next was shocking, and it made me a really bad person, I know this.

But I turned around, slowly. Met her gaze. Grabbed her face between my hands. And kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to be so late for work...


	8. Emoticons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!  
> Here is chapter 8 and it's inspired by one of my all time favourite songs, Emoticons by The Wombats! Great song and really captures a vibe so go give it a listen:)  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> Also I'm feeling super hyped because my American Literature essay got 80% which means I'm currently on track for a first for second year! It feels really good to know that my hard work is paying off and that I'm managing to juggle uni, work and hobbies all at once!!  
> I also want to point out that the flashback segment from this chapter was my favourite one to write so far...teen Max and Chloe are just the cutest!  
> Anyways...on with the story...let's see what our two favourite disaster lesbians are getting up to now...  
> Is it getting hot in here?

**Chapter 8- Emoticons.**

 

_The buzzing of a text woke me up. I was confused, my eyes were bleary from sleep and it took me a moment to come back to the land of the living. My hand blindly searched for the phone on my nightstand._

**_Happy sweet 16 Mad Max! U better be up and ready 4 the day of festivities ahead. Ur birth is truly something to celebrate ;*_ **

**_Now get over here, loser, these gifts aint gonna open themselves._ **

_Chloe’s text made me smile. Chloe’s texts always made me smile. Chloe made me smile. God, Max, get a grip, you’re getting mushy with old age._

_When I arrived at the Price household Chloe was waiting at the door, with that stupid grin on her face. She was clutching a donut in her hand that had a wonky birthday candle stuck in the top. I was never much of a fan of cake, so the donut was super thoughtful. In that special Chloe way._

_“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the birthday girl!” She proclaimed at the top of her lungs. She pulled her lighter from her pocket and lit the candle on the donut._

 

_And then she began to sing a questionable rendition of happy birthday. Once again at the top of her lungs._

_“...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MAXIMILIAN CAULFIELD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU!” She finished her serenade with a kiss to my cheek._

_“Hey, Captain, keep your voice down, I don’t want the whole neighbourhood knowing how close I am to retirement.”_

_“Oh shut up and make your wish already.” She rolled her eyes at me. I looked straight into her blinking blue eyes as I blew out the candle. Of course she didn’t miss a beat,_

_“What did you wish for? Come on the suspense is fucking killing me!” She exclaimed with an over-dramatised hand to her forehead._

_“I swear you have the attention span of a chipmunk.” I giggled, I loved watching her squirm._

_“Max, come on, no donut until you tell me.” She held the donut above her head, way out of reach for me,_

_“Using your height advantage is definitely cheating, it’s not my fault I’m vertically challenged.”_

_“Just tell me, then you can have it.” She raised one eyebrow at me._

_“I didn’t wish for anything Chloe. I have everything I could possibly want.” I cupped her cheek. It was true. I had my health, my happiness, the entirety of Star Wars on Blu-ray, and most of all, I had Chloe Price._

_“Nice try cutie, but you ain’t getting away with it that easy. It’s your 16th birthday, you gotta make a wish.” She turned her face into my hand and kissed my palm. I could tell she wasn’t going to give up, so I took advantage of the situation._

_“Come to think of it, there is one thing I want…” I leaned into her, she wrapped her arm around me and cocked her eyebrow as a question._

_“I wish...for a birthday kiss.”_

_“Well, birthday girl...I do believe that can be arranged.” She leaned her face towards mine._

 

The kiss was fiery. Hot and passionate with all the emotion of the last 5 years soaring into it. Our teeth clashed and the salt from both our tears touched our lips as a taste of the pain surrounding us. As intense as it was, the kiss broke quickly. Our foreheads were pressed together as we each tried to steady our breathing. I didn’t dare to open my eyes, I was afraid of what I might see staring back at me. That could have been a mistake, a huge one. In fact, it probably was, and as much as I knew I was a terrible person for doing it, the hugely immoral action didn’t make me feel guilty. No, it just made me long for more.

Chloe answered my question before I had the chance to open my eyes and see for myself, I felt her lips rest on mine once again, in a soft, close-mouthed kiss. They stayed there, almost unmoving, for a number of seconds, it was as if she was testing the waters to see if this should continue. The answer was of course no, and yes. And I knew which decision we were both going to take.

Her mouth opened and the kiss deepened, she scooped her arms around my waist tightly, so that the bones of her forearms pressed into the back of my ribs. Bone to bone. I was living once again in that world within her arms, the place where I felt a sense of belonging like I had never felt anywhere else. We fit together like puzzle pieces, and I could finally see the big picture. That this is all I wanted, ever, I never wanted us to end.

I linked my legs around her waist, using the leverage against her grip around my waist to hold me up. One of my hands, I couldn’t focus on which one, was locked in the hair at the back of her head, the other grasping at the skin of her cheek.

My skirt rode up and bunched around my waist as she carried me over to the couch, never breaking our kiss. Our tongues were tangling and dancing together, we were fighting to get as close to each other as we physically could, and that still wasn’t close enough.

She lowered to sit on the couch, leaving me straddling her lap. A heat roared within me. A heat only one person on Earth could set alight.

My whole body felt the absence of her lips leaving mine, until her lips abseiled down my neck, leaving a scorching trail in their wake. I tilted my head to allow her more space, I closed my eyes and relished in the sensation of her, her pleasure and her glory.

Her kisses travelled down past my collar bone, touching my sternum through the open buttons of my blouse. What remained of my resolve crumbled to dust, my head fell back, taking my body with it. The weight of my upper body was only held by her hands splayed across my back.

Said hands guided my weight to rest by her side, laying me flat on the cushions of the couch, she moved with me so that my legs were still wrapped around her as she hovered above me, slowly undoing the buttons of my blouse.

As she sat up on her knees, taking off her own shirt, I wriggled out of my skirt and discarded my open blouse. The roughness of her jean-clad knees rubbed on the inside of my thighs. Her eyes didn’t leave my face, yet her expression told nothing of what was going on inside her head.

My eyes scanned down her body, I’d missed seeing her form in its entirety, she was a beauty that appeared to be sculpted out of marble, too beautiful for this mundane world, more vibrant than life. The tattoos that adorned her arms continued across her chest and torso. Various symbols and pictures were presented on her sides and stomach, the smoothness of her taut abdominal muscles the perfect canvas for the intricate art. I took a mental picture in appreciation for each and every one, until…

“Chloe…” The word came out as a strangled whisper, and tears instantly poured down my face. That kind of instantaneous cry that felt as if you had opened a dam of deep, personal emotions. On her left hip, there was a simple outline of two hands joined together with their pinky fingers wrapped around each other. It was us, I knew it was us.

Chloe didn’t even look down to see what I was looking at, she already knew. She simply leaned down to hover over me once again, her face not even an inch from mine.

“It’s for you, it’s all for you. It always was.” She kissed each of the tears with a small touch of her lips. Spreading the wetness on my cheek.

There was no going back then. I should have stopped it, what we were doing wasn’t healthy, and as much as I knew this, there was no force imaginable strong enough to pull me away at that moment.

We pushed back together and Chloe’s hand travelled down my body. I couldn’t even say where she was touching me, I could feel her everywhere, inside and out. My body burst into flames as her fingers played with the edge of my panties before diving down into them. I couldn’t think anymore, my entire being melted away until it was only her touch, connected to me _there._ Nothing else mattered.

_How had I lived without this?_

Her fingers played with me with expert precision, she knew exactly what to do to bring be unimaginable pleasure, I could tell I wasn’t going to last long.

I moaned profusely into her mouth, unable to hold back, the following kiss was rough and brutal and beautiful and as my climax approached I bit into her lip.

She replied with a guttural growth and lowered her face into my neck. _That was going to leave a mark._ I couldn’t find myself caring, however, as my orgasm blossomed. With her fingers inside me, my body recoiled into the intensity of my climax, an unintentional scream sounding out into the room as I twitched and writhed around her. She didn’t stop, she continued to encourage me into wave after wave of ecstasy, to the point where I barely thought I’d survive another.

Her thumb circled my clit as her fingers continued there relentless rhythm within me. My body rattled, I could see stars.

“I...I...can’t…” I managed to breathe out,

“Yes you can baby, one more for me.” She said against my mouth and dove in, tongue and lips and teeth.

I opened my mouth to scream as that final orgasm vibrated through my body, but no sound came out, simply silent cries for release from her blissful spell. Her fingers and mouth left me and I rode out the rest of the current alone, drifting through space, relishing in the feeling, as if it was the last thing I would ever feel.

My arm was thrown over my face when I finally came back from heaven, for fear that the sight of her might send my mind into a sensory overload from which I couldn’t return. Once my body was completely still save for the heaving of my chest controlling my laboured breath, Chloe’s hand moved my arm away from my face, she kissed my wrist and placed it at my side.

It didn’t escape my notice that her face was tear-stained, eyes scorching red from crying with the occasional droplet still slipping through the cracks.

Her eyes squeezed shut in agony and I gathered all my remaining energy to sit up and wrap my arms around her neck, kissing her temple.

Then she looked at me.

Really looked at me for the first time since we had reunited.

Her face was her again, the Chloe that had been mine all those years ago. And it was a face I hadn’t even noticed was missing until it reappeared again. Her eyes were soft, her mouth resting in a lazy half smile as she observed me. I had her back. I didn’t care about the implications or the consequences at that point because I wanted to be selfish, the only thing that mattered was that she was here, in my arms and I had her back. I smiled back.

There we were, a pair of grinning idiots, me in just my underwear, her in her sports bra and tattered old jeans, smiling like a couple of goons. That’s when the laughing started.

She scoffed and shook her head, probably out of amazement for the royally fucked up situation we had gotten ourselves into. It was pretty funny, so I giggled back. She looked at me, toothy smile and scrunched up eyes and we both descended into a mess of laughter.

  


“...so Sera, who owns the bar we went to, started telling me about this guy she was seeing and how he was looking for someone about my age to take on as an apprentice at his auto-repairs shop. That’s how I met Frank and the rest, as they say, is history…” We were wrapped up in each other on the couch, she was smoking a joint and I was eating cold leftover Chinese food out of the cardboard box with chopsticks.

“How did you meet Sera?” She had told me the whole story of her experience in LA so far, peppered with occasional questions from me. It was nice catching up in this relaxed setting, I didn't feel like there was anything blocking us anymore. Those invisible barriers had fallen, although I was acutely aware that in the destruction of those barriers, new obstacles had been erected. And those ones were all too visible.

“She’s Stella’s daughter. Remember, she was on that photograph in the diner?” Now that she mentioned it, she did look familiar. I simply nodded my head in understanding.

She leaned forward to stub out her joint in the ashtray on the coffee table, inadvertently shaking free of my touch. I used this added distance to my advantage…

“So I should get going…” I grabbed my blouse from where it had landed on the floor previously,

“Why?” Chloe’s face was the picture of confusion,

“Isn’t it obvious? I don’t really think Rachel walking in on this would be the best scenario.” I gestured to our half-naked bodies, at the mention of Rachel’s name, Chloe visibly stiffened. _Oh fuck. Great job, Max._

“I wouldn’t worry, I won’t see her for days now.” Chloe cleared her throat and scratched the back of her head. _All of her nervous ticks are coming out._

“What?” I couldn’t hide my disbelief,

“Not right now Max.” She stood up, and the subject was closed. Along with the intimacy we had just moments ago.

There was a shift in the atmosphere and I was pretty sure neither of us felt comfortable anymore. And it was stupid because this was Chloe: my soul mate, my reason for being, my Chloe. But, I wanted to get out of there.

This was my flight over fight response. The situation got hard so I wanted to leave rather than face the issue head on. I kicked myself for being so naive. What did I think? That all it would take was one fuck and things would go back to being like old times? That was childish and unrealistic and I really should have known that.

Depth of love and affection was definitely not a problem for us. We had that in spades and there was no doubt about it. But at this point in our lives, it was going to take way more than that to make this work.

I knew what step one was but I had a sickening feeling that it wasn’t going to be as easy as it sounded.

Rachel had to be out of the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I want in life is the entirety of Star Wars on Blu-Ray and Chloe Price...guess I'm half way there...


	9. Visions of Gideon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I knew those quick updates couldn't last forever. Uni work came along and smacked me round the face. But, I'm on top of it and I've written another chapter and all is good with the world!  
> I think from now on it's looking like 1 or 2 chapters a week if I keep my head down, at least until April when my term ends.  
> Anyways...on with the story! Here is chapter 9. Another Call Me By Your Name song for this one.  
> Sufjan Stevens- Visions of Gideon.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> We love you Sufjan!!!!
> 
> Oh, hey Kate.

**Chapter 9- Visions of Gideon**

 

_ Tiny pieces of our childhood littered the dining room table, the smell reminded me of a museum. To be honest it was kind of disgusting thinking about how long all of those things had been buried underground. But that didn’t bother us because the wave of nostalgia that the time capsule brought was the most important thing to both of us. _

_ Tears welled in my eyes a little as I thought about all the times that we’d had over the years, how did I get so lucky? Not only was Chloe such a huge and amazing part of my life, but my childhood was filled with incredible memories gifted to me by a family that wasn’t even my own. Joyce and William were like parents to me, and I probably spent more time at their house than I did my own, their support and guidance had been integral to the person I was shaping up to be, and I was so grateful. _

_ I sniffled a little and this caught Chloe’s attention, she threw down the drawing she had been doodling away at and ran over to my side, scooping me in a huge hug. She’d grown taller than me over the last couple of years and the size difference meant that she was able to engulf me entirely. _

_ ‘Don’t worry Max, you’ll soon catch up.’ Joyce had assured me when I turned 13. Chloe was a year older than me after all, maybe by the time I was 14 I would be just as tall as her. _

_ “Hey, what’s with the tears?” Chloe asked me as we rocked from side to side, _

_ “Nothing Captain, I’m just happy. That’s all.” She beamed at me. There was so much love and happiness encapsulated in that tiny speck of a moment. _

_ The creaking of the front door startled us. There stood Joyce, weeping, framed by two police officers.  _

 

I’d left Chloe’s while she had still been sleeping in the early hours of the morning. I hadn’t wanted to be there when she woke up, for a reason lost on me, I just knew that tomorrow would be another day. And, I guess I was afraid that everything would be different. I didn’t want anything to be different, but it was now, and that was okay. I left her a note on a gum wrapper I had in my pocket asking her to call me and left. I crawled into bed around 3am.

 

The next morning, I had expected there to be some sign from the universe, maybe birds singing outside of my open window like in some cheesy romance movie, or maybe a thunderstorm, warning me of the danger that waited. But, no. There was nothing, the day was humid, a little cloudy, and entirely normal. I opened the sash window and sat on the edge, smoking a cigarette, looking at the world running along beneath me.

I felt clarity like I hadn’t in a long time, which was all together flummoxing because if last night had done anything to my life, it had complicated it. I was about to enter a snake-pit of worries and pain if I wanted to pursue a future with Chloe. But last night had also confirmed that I would go to hell and back if it meant I was coming back to her. There was no other option than to be with her, in fact there was no me without her. And it was confirmed in our collective psyche that there was no turning back, we were standing on the ledge looking down at the rest of our lives. All we had to do was jump. I just wish jumping was as easy as it sounded.

I stubbed out my cigarette on the windowsill and wandered inside, I played some music and bounced over to my room to get ready for a day at the studio.

To my surprise, I wasn’t the first person to have visited my studio that morning, when I got there, a girl who looked a couple of years younger than me was standing just outside of the door. She was blonde, and pretty, in a sort of mousy way. Her knotted hands told me she was clearly nervous. 

I noisily fumbled with my keys to alert her to my presence, she looked up at me and smiled.

“Hey, can I help you?” I wasn’t sure if I even recognised the sound of my own voice, I sounded loud and confident, and a little brash.

“Are you Maxine Caulfield?” Her voice was soft and quiet, I barely heard her,

“The one and only.” Her mouth quirked up at one side in an awkward smile and she looked at the ground, she clearly wasn’t very good at this. I decided to help her along,

“And you are…?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Kate Marsh, I study Photography at UCLA. And...I was wondering...well I saw your ad in the paper and thought maybe you could use an assistant? You see, I need extra credit and my professor said that if I could find a placement with a local photographer I could pick them up.”

If it had been any other day than that one, I would have definitely said no. I’d gotten used to working alone. But this girl seemed nice, and genuinely needed the help. It wasn’t as if I needed to pay her or anything, just sign a form for her every week. I knew how these things worked, I’d done the same thing when I was a student. And besides, I was on my own way too much, Rachel had told me that. Maybe I should start branching out.

“You know what? Sure. You wanna go for a coffee and sort this out?” Her face lit up,

“I don’t drink coffee, but tea would be nice.”

“Tea it is.”

 

Over the next hour, I found out that Kate was 20, she was a second year Photography major at UCLA and incredibly sweet. It felt like she mostly spoke to the reflection of the back of my head that played on the window behind me, eye contact clearly wasn’t her thing, but I didn’t judge. In fact, it made me like her more, she wasn’t cocky, rude or full of herself, she was eager to learn and grateful to me for giving her a chance. 

“Listen Kate, I have to be honest with you,” I said, munching on a shortbread, “things have been pretty slow since I started here, I can’t promise we’ll be super busy.” I didn’t want to lie to her and say that things would pick up, because I was pretty sure they wouldn’t.

“It’s okay, like I said, I’m just here to learn. And...well...I thought maybe I could pose for you as a sort of thank you? I don’t know, maybe that was a stupid idea. I’m not the most photogenic.” She fiddled with the chain around her neck, I only now noticed the gold crucifix that hung from it.  _ Oh, great. _

“No, no, Kate, that would be brilliant. And a huge help, thank you.” I was genuinely thankful for her offer, the more people I could photograph, the better.

Kate accompanied me back to the studio where I signed a form to say that Kate could help me out for the next 5 weeks. It was addressed from Mark Jefferson, which surprised me, he was a pretty famous photographer in the nineties, I didn’t know he’d gone into teaching. She’d waved goodbye to me just as my phone rang. I didn’t even have to check the caller ID to know who it was.

“Hey Captain.”

“Hey, you.” Her voice was croaky and rough with sleep. It was just past noon. She always slept late. “How are you?”

Ah, so this is where we were. Awkward formalities. We were suddenly two shy teenagers who had just slept together for the first time. Of course, that wasn’t the truth, the opposite of it actually.  We’d both lived through far too much to be shy or young anymore, in fact it felt like we never had been.

“I’m good, just at the studio.” Rachel’s image smeared across the computer screen.

“Can I come over? I need to see you.”

That wasn’t a good idea.

“Sure.”

 

It was only as her truck pulled up on the street outside of the studio that I realised I hadn’t given her the address. I didn’t want to think about how she knew where to come. I never felt that I had to give her directions to find her way to where I was.

Her eyes were free of makeup and a pair of wayfarer sunglasses were perched on her nose. She was wearing a plain black t-shirt and blue jeans with vans, her hair was half-piled ontop of her head. She held two ice-teas in her hands and kicked the door to her truck closed. She looked relaxed, but I think that was just her.

I opened the door for her to enter the studio. She muttered a quick thanks and set the drinks down on my desk.

“Hey.” She looked at me,

“Hey.” I really didn’t think it would be like this, I was afraid that I would be weak and that we would fuck, right here on the floor of the studio. But this was something way worse. Her eyes were full of guilt, and sadness, and... _ Fuck please tell me that isn’t regret. _

My mind was racing with possibilities. Possibilities for a future without her that I had to force myself to fathom. Why had I lulled myself into a false sense of security in the last 12 hours that she wanted me too? Why had it taken so little time for that to become my reality? In one look, she had pitched me right back to where I had been when I left New York. I was searching blindly for an inconceivable future that somewhere deep down inside of me I knew would never come. 

It felt like someone’s red hot grip had punched through my skin and was squeezing at my windpipe, and I doubled over, gasping for air. Or maybe I didn’t...I’m not sure. All I’m sure of is that it was painful, and wretched, and I could only think of one thing I wanted. To disappear in a pile of powder, or a fistful of pills and forget about her and forget about myself.

I didn’t get that, however, I got something better.

Her hands, icy cold from carrying the tea, planted on my cheeks. I saw her mouth moving, but couldn’t figure out the words...mat...make...Max.

“Max, baby, breathe for me okay? Feel may hands, look around you. Think about where you are. Feel it, you’re here, you’re safe. Baby...please…” Ocean eyes. I swam in them for a little while. Grateful for the cool, refreshing dip into the love of my life.

She was telling me to count things in the room, to say what I could see. I did as I was told, my lips formed around the words: lights, backdrop, window, camera, computer, Chloe. And before long I landed back inside my body. Out of breath, with black spots dotting my vision.

“You back with me?” She raised one eyebrow,

“Yeah…” I wheezed out. She said nothing but rested her forehead to mine for a beat before standing up from her kneeling position in front of the couch and walked over to grab the drinks.

“Here, drink something.” I took a sip of the iced tea and a deep breath. 

“Better?” I nodded, “So what happened there? What did I do wrong?” She tried to joke.

“Nothing, you didn’t do anything.” I couldn’t blame her, this was all my fault, “I just get these terrible chest pains sometimes, it’s all anxiety. The 20 doctors my Mom forced me to visit told me that. They gave me meds, but with my history, I don’t like taking them. Smoking helps usually.” I smiled, the irony wasn’t lost on me.

“Ah the famous remedy for chest pains, smoking. Well let me save you.” She whipped out a cigarette from her back pocket. Smartass.

I grabbed it from her hand and we went outside.

 

Our cigarettes were almost finished when I worked up the courage to speak.

“You know, I get it. You have a pretty nice life set up here with Rachel. I really do understand. Last night was just our swansong. And I can live with that, but you have to leave me alone Chloe...I can’t cope having you in my life without having all of you, it just won’t…” She cut off my ramblings.

“Wait, wait, wait, what? You think...you thought last night…? Max, last night was the first time I’ve felt truly happy in 5 and a half years. You think I don’t want that?” This was the last thing I’d expected her to say, “My life has been a dull, empty pit since you left, void of anything. And I didn’t even realise that it had been...I thought was fine. But how could anything ever be fine without you? When you kissed me last night, it was like I woke up from a trance I didn’t know I was in.” She kept her eyes straight, staring at the steady flow of light traffic that passed by. “Max, I swear to fuck, I’m never going to be without you again.”

I couldn’t hold my tongue.

“Then leave her. Leave her and be with me.” I looked at her from the corner of my eye. Her head fell, her shoulders slumped.

“It’s not that simple.” She took a drag from her cigarette that was already gone and threw it away.

“Why not? Why can’t something, just this once, be easy for us?” I said this mostly to myself, or to the God I knew didn’t exist.

She stood up.

“Come on, take a drive with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys...give me all your thoughts.


	10. Don't Delete the Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo yo yo my dudes, how's it hanging?  
> Happy chapter 10 everybody!  
> Song for this chapter is Don't Delete the Kisses by Wolf Alice  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> I'll talk to y'all some more on the other side...

**Chapter 10- Don’t Delete the Kisses**

 

_“Come on Max! It’ll be fun!” She held my hand between the two of hers as she dragged me through her doorway._

_“I don’t think you understand, do you remember how mad at us he got when he found pot in your room? This is worse than that, this is theft, Chloe.” I tried my hardest to plant my feet on the floor to stop her pulling me. Of course, she was so much stronger than me so there was no chance of me stopping her._

_“Oh whatever, I have to deal with having the douchebag in my house, so he can deal with having me in his car.” I still thought joyriding David’s car was an absolutely horrific idea, but the look of excitement on Chloe’s face was undeniable. “Plus, how is it theft when I have his keys?” I truly wonder why I bother sometimes. I just gave her a look, and she stuck her tongue out at me._

_“Fine, Cap, you go. But I’m not going to be a part of this.” Call me a coward or a pussy or whatever, but I had seen the wrath of David and it sure as hell wasn’t pretty. I crossed my arms and stood stock still on the front step. Her bottom lip jutted out in the way it always did when she didn’t get her way. God damn it, why with that face?_

_She walked up to me slowly and I knew what was coming..._

_“But Maxie...I don’t want to do it without you,” She placed her hand flat on the wood sliding beside my head, “I don’t want to ever do anything without you.” She leaned in and kissed my jaw softly, I should have been conscious that Joyce and David could return at any minute, or that the neighbours could see us, but I really didn’t care._

_“Pretty please…” She whispered against my neck before nipping my earlobe with her teeth softly, fuck, she knew that drove me crazy. A moan escaped my lips._

_I could almost hear the smirk._

_“Fine…” I mean, was I ever going to not go with her? Girl knew how to get me._

_“Fuck yes!” She planted a kiss firmly on my lips, and pulled me along to the car._

  


The steady growl of the trucks engine vibrate through the souls of my feet and rolled it's way through the bones of my legs. I allowed the gentle violence of the movement to ground my thoughts from spinning out of my head, if they were anchored all the way in the base of my body they couldn’t possibly fly away from my control. I knew Chloe was sat to my right, and that was enough to drive me a little crazy.

I tried to keep my eyes averted from her as much as I could, I found that looking at her for too long had a similar effect as looking at the sun for too long. It was bright, brilliant and beautiful, allowed me to marvel at the wonder of the world and the cosmos but was painful in its presence. Her image burned an imprint on the inside of my eyelids that I could feel and see with every blink. Even in blinding myself from light I couldn’t escape her outline.

I told myself I needed to focus my mind elsewhere, I had to point my mental direction the other way. I observed the blur of landscape as it streamed across the window.

We were winding on a coastal road around an hour out of LA, out of my window the peaks of the Pacific crested below me, blazing orange light crying out from the sky bathing the whole vista in its aura. As a single stream of the light caught the window glass and caressed my face the heat soothed the exhaustion of my frantic thoughts and allowed me to relax into the moment a little. I was in a beautiful place. I couldn’t let myself forget that, not for one second.

The truck took a sharp left as we veered a little inland, my eyes were automatically pulled to Chloe and her look of intense concentration as she rested her fingers against her lips, one hand on the wheel. The light caressed her face this time, and as the light played in her blue hair and shone between the crack of her sunglasses I was reminded why I had avoided looking at her. Once I started, looking away was borderline impossible.

I was taken aback to a time from somewhere in the midst of our teenage years, she had just learned to drive and had hijacked David’s muscle car while he’d been at the grocery store with Joyce. We had hightailed around Arcadia Bay all afternoon. It’s amazing how you anticipate adulthood being packed freedom like that, little did we know how the restrictions would only tighten with maturity.

“You know, you could take a picture. It would last longer.” She hadn’t looked at me once but she must have caught me looking from the corner of her eye. Her words were tainted by her trademark smirk.

And I don’t know what made me so bold but I pulled out my Polaroid camera from my bag and snapped a picture of the side of her face. The way the light framed her face made her look like one of those Victorian silhouette portraits, but with that unmistakable Chloe flair. The way I’d pulled out the camera had happened almost upon instinct, and in the flurry of motion I hadn’t realised the significance of me taking that photograph.

I hadn’t taken a photograph with that camera for...well...I don’t know how long. And even more than that, it was the first picture I had taken without any other motive for years, I took the picture for me. Not for work, money, my studies but for me. And of course it was for her, she lit up my passion.

As the picture developed between my trembling fingers, this realisation dawned on me. I missed taking photos, even though it was what I did for a living now, I missed it. I had emotionally distanced myself so far away from photography as an art form that a chasm now separated me from it. A chasm that I was now beginning to cross.

This overwhelming wave of emotion caused my eyes to well with tears. I was sad that I’d gone without this for so long, happy that I had it back and above all, I was proud of myself for getting here now. I was proud of my strength and that was something I never thought I would be.

Chloe must have noticed because she dropped her hand to mine and clutched it tightly.

I looked at her and she just smiled, keeping her eyes on the road.

“We’re almost there.”

 

We pulled up in a tiny gravel parking lot on a hillside.

“Come on.” She said softly with a lop-sided smile as she jumped out of the door. I took a deep breath, steadied my thoughts and followed her out of the truck.

I was a couple of steps behind her on the short uphill walk until we reached a bench. I crested the top of the hill when I realised it wasn’t a hill at all, it was a cliff edge. The two of us were stood on the top of the world, looking down as the waves softly crashing on the rocks far below us, tiny model towns littered the coastline for as far as I could see, peppering the shore with the influence of human life. The smell of salt and cushion of humid wind once again took me right back. And we weren’t in California, we were back in Arcadia Bay, just kids, looking out into the world and wondering where it would take us.

“Crazy, right? How similar it is? Just add the lighthouse and it’d be exactly the same.” She still wasn’t looking at me, she’d sat down on the bench and was giving the horizon a hard stare. I wandered over and sat down at her side.

She lit up a cigarette in her mouth before taking it out and offering it to me, I took it from her hands and placed it between my lips. She lit her own and we sat there for a moment. We were encircled by the smoke in this tiny capsule of the past.

“It’s uncanny Chloe, how did you find this place?” I felt like I was sat in the Arcadia Bay snow globe that Joyce used to keep in her living room. So much so that I half expected tiny synthetic snowflakes to float around me.

“When I first got here, I drove around a lot. Figured that I got out of Arcadia Bay to see the world so better get on with it. I stopped in that lot for a smoke and caught sight of this bench. It literally felt like I was back there.” She shook her head with a sort of half laugh.

“Yeah, that’s kind of where I’m at now.” It was a weird feeling, somewhere between familiarity and unfamiliarity. Chloe turned to look at me

“Sorry man, I should’ve checked if this was okay with you. I know you liked Arcadia about as much as I did.”

“No, it’s okay. I never thought I’d say this but, I kind of miss it. Or at least, I miss who I was when I was there.” Our eyes were locked now.

“Yeah me too.” Now that surprised me.

“Really? I could’ve sworn you wanted to torch that place. Especially after, you know…” She nodded her head in understanding, taking another drag of her smoke,

“I didn’t really want to see Arcadia Bay burned to the shore, I just said shit like that because of the fucked up stuff that happened to me there,” her fingers twitched on the bench by her side, “I’m beginning to see now that could have happened to me anywhere, it wasn’t Arcadia Bay’s fault.” She seemed so adult, I’d never seen her this mature.

I extinguished my cigarette and an unexpected cool breeze blew the orange flecked ash out over the cliff edge in a shower of light. I shivered a little and Chloe threw her arm over my shoulder.

I was engulfed by her smell and her warmth, and my head rested involuntarily on her shoulder. She kissed the top of my head and I got brave.

“Can we stay like this? This is all I want...forever.”

I got the response I wanted.

“Me too.”

I looked up into her eyes, pleading, with all my might for her to see that we could have it. She took my chin in her hand and pressed her lips to mine. _Jesus, kissing her will never get old._

My cold hand cupped her warm cheek and I returned her kiss. It was short and sweet and ended all too soon.

“Leave her Chloe...please…” Our foreheads were rested against each other, our pinky fingers linked.

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why? You keep saying this but why? Am I not enough for you? Is that it?”

“Shut the fuck up Max.” Wow, harsh. I pulled back, confused, and a little hurt by her tone.

“Seriously, almost everything in my life is about you, but this isn’t.” I was reeling, but I knew I had to listen to what she had to say.

“I’ve built a life here, with her. And as much as I love you, as much as there will never be anyone in my life I care for as much as you, I can’t just let my life here go. I can’t just let her go. She’s given me stability in a way I’ve never had before. And she’s a good person, she deserves more than me throwing her away when I don’t want her anymore. The girl’s been through some fucked up shit, just as much as the two of us, and she's helped me through my fucked up shit too. I need a little time to get things straight before I end it.”

The morality of this situation was getting more and more clouded with every word that fell from her mouth. But, she was making sense. I suddenly felt naive and immature for asking her to abandon her whole life for me, mere weeks after we met up again. That was wrong. And if time was what she needed, time is what she’d get.

“You have to remember, that what you did to me fucked me up too, Max. And I’m scared. A little bit of you, a little bit of myself.” I knew how that felt.

“We’re going to be together at the end of this, somehow I’ve always known that. But the journey there is going to be hard. We just have to get through this, and you have to trust me.”

I’d thrown myself right back into the deep end.

“Can you do that, can you trust me?” Her hands were resting on my cheeks, forcing my line of sight to meet hers.

 

Of course, I didn’t even have a choice.

 

“I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so...thoughts?  
> I know Chloe's logic is flawed but try and get in her head a little bit. She's fucking terrified of hurting anyone else, as well as being hurt by Max again. She has some severe abandonment issues (that's our Chloe) and that can alter her judgement sometimes. Plus, she's a good person and can't leave the girl who pulled her out of some pretty serious depression without a second thought. Plus, we can all get a little stupid sometimes. Now, going forward, do we think Chloe is going to stick to her logic? And is Max going to shut up and co-operate? Let me know what you think...  
> Once again, can't give you an exact day for the next one but I'll get it up as soon as I can x


	11. Feels Like Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on Chapter 11!  
> This one is a little all over the place (kind of like our leading ladies) and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. There is a little sexy time as y'all seemed to enjoy that last time.  
> After this we're heading back to reality as Chloe's lies begin to catch up with her. We might switch to a Chloe POV for the next one so let me know how you would all feel about that.  
> Song for this chapter is (Feels like) Heaven by Fiction Factory.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> I don't know why I'm so nervous about this one...

**Chapter 11- Feels Like Heaven**

 

_My backpack was thrown over one shoulder and I pulled my surprisingly small suitcase along behind me as I exited JFK airport. I hadn’t even needed the largest case my parents owned, I really didn’t have that much stuff. It was amazing how you could pack up 17 years of a life into something no bigger than your own body. But I knew I was leaving behind so much more than I could pack into any case._

_I was the picture of a cliche as I bundled myself and all my things into the back of a yellow cab. The taxi trundled through the streets of New York, with me in the back pretending to take in all the sights. But as my eyes danced up and down the skyscrapers my mind was on top of a cliff at the other side of the country, dancing up at a lighthouse instead._

_The cab driver was making idle conversation with me in a gruff voice, I chimed in with the odd ‘yes’ or ‘no’ where appropriate but otherwise remained locked in my own head, somewhere I had a feeling I would be for quite some time._

_I found myself wondering what Chloe was doing right now. If I was there we’d probably be hanging out at the diner or listening to music in her room; her lazily smoking a joint while I doodled in my journal. I tried my hardest but every picture of her I could conjure up involved me somewhere in the frame. I couldn’t picture her life without me. I know that may sound self-centred but I honestly couldn’t. And on the other side of the coin I couldn’t see myself without her, and that panicked me. I had no idea who I even was, as an individual, and neither did she. We had grown together so much that we were now two parts of the same whole, without any individual sense of self at all. I had robbed that from her and she had robbed it from me._

_Now that we were separate I could see that. In this huge matted expanse of buildings and people, I could see how small I was. How I was set to live out the rest of my days waiting for a life with another small person on the other side of the country. Worlds away from me._

_I had to let my time in New York pull me away from that. I owed it to myself to see who I was without Arcadia Bay, without Chloe._

 

_And I owed it to her to let her see who she was without me._

  


She gave me a sad sort of smile as I uttered the words that had the ability to lift us up so high at the same time as plunging us into the ground. I had to trust her, there really was no other option. I had seen who I was without her and I’d made a silent vow to myself to never become her again, I wanted to be happy. And I knew that with her, eventually I would be.

But when would eventually come?

She pulled me into her arms and we stayed there, once again in that little world that existed between the two of us, each of our heads buried in the others neck.

“Thank you for this. Really.” She whispered, her voice muffled by my hair and flesh.

I didn’t reply. She didn’t have to thank me, it wasn’t as if I was doing her a favour. I was doing what I had to do in order to get her back. As much as I didn’t want to go through with this plan of waiting for the right time to come, it’s what she needed, so it’s what I had to do. I had no other choice but to put everything on hold until I could have her all to myself.

There were a million questions still bouncing around in my mind, buzzing like wasps waiting to sting:

How long would I have to wait?

Will we carry on seeing each other while she’s still with Rachel?

Will she tell her about me once it’s finished?

Am I going to be in second place until the time she calls it off?

 

_Is this the right thing?_

 

I could have asked any of these questions, and watched as Chloe stumbled to find an answer. But, I knew she had no idea about anything herself, she hadn’t planned for this. And so I figured we’d take this the only way we knew how to, one step at a time.

She kissed my cheek and pulled away from me, taking my hand in hers.

“Come on, walk with me.” Her half smile always drove me crazy.

Our fingers, much like ourselves, were tangled up together in a mess of bones and unspoken promises. We had made our way down onto the nearby beach and our shoes made footprints in the sand behind us. The sun was beginning to turn orange and dive closer to the horizon the more we walked; without any prior warning Chloe stopped walking and dropped down to sit on the sand. She leaned back on her elbows, looking out toward the slowly dying sun. Her face was dyed peach.

I looked at her for a while, hovering above her, and she either didn’t notice me or didn’t care but she continued to be once again absorbed by the far off distance. Eventually, I lowered down awkwardly to sit cross-legged next to her.

“I used to come here so much in the beginning, something about the sea makes me think of you.” I understood what she was saying, more from the movements of her lips than the noise that they produced. With her words, I was taken back to the first day I was in LA, when the walk along the shore made me feel at home.

“I see why, I think our parents thought we’d gone missing with how much time we spent at the beach.” This made her chuckle.

“Got up to all kinds of shit at that lighthouse.” She threw me a trademark wink. _Cheeky cow._

“Remember when we almost got busted smoking weed on the stairs? I thought we were going to give Officer Berry a coronary.” My cheeks were feeling the strain of my laughter,

“Come on dude, I was the only one smoking weed. You just sat there watching, and besides Officer Berry was in David’s back pocket. No way that fucker would want me in the hands of the local police.” She was right, she got away with way worse shit than smoking up.

“Do they still live in Arcadia?” The words slipped out of my mouth involuntarily, and I didn’t even feel the need to specify who I was asking about. I was genuinely curious, firstly about what Joyce and David were doing now, but also curious as to what her reaction would be to talking about them.

“As far as I know.” She reached for her cigarettes, of course, we were the same in that. Stressful topics called for some kind of relief. I could tell the conversation made her uncomfortable but I really wanted to know.

“Have you heard from them at all since you left?” She breathed out a cloud of smoke and shook her head.

“I left my phone on the bus, remember? I didn’t want them to know where I was.” She was almost speaking through clenched teeth, it was as if her whole body was frozen up with stress. I had a picture of Joyce in my mind, all the original members of her family gone, including me. A picture of a mother, who just wanted her child, broken and upset. The thought broke my heart in two. Chloe might have rebelled against Joyce in the past, but the Chloe from back then wouldn’t have just let her without any second thought. She loved her. Something must have happened.

“What happened?”

She sighed and played with the sand between her knees.

“I went on a 3 day bender to Portland the night after I left you the last voicemail. Got myself a fake ID and went to as many dive bars as I could find. Cut a long story short, the cops found out I was underage, and that I had weed, and put me in a cell for the night. You know what I was like, a tough little shit. But that shook me up. I’d never actually been arrested before and when push came to shove I was fucking terrified. Anyways, I had call David to come pick me up. And he gave me all the shit about how disappointed Joyce was, and I should have but I really didn’t care. I felt like I had finally fucked my life up for good.” It killed me that she was so fatalistic, she could never fuck her life up for good, she’s too strong for that, the problem was that she didn’t think she was.

“When we got home, he was still lecturing me so I ended up lashing out at him. Like, I shouted shit at his face, called him a pig and I guess that tipped him over the edge. The fucker backhands me across the face.” I audibly gasped, I knew David was a hard-ass but I never thought he’d actually touch her.

“Anyway, that was it for me, I packed my bag and got out of there.” I finally got it, it wasn’t Joyce, or maybe it was. Chloe had been battling against David as long as he’d been in her life, and as soon as it was confirmed there was a reason for her hatred, I guess her resentment for her Mom sky rocketed.

“Shit Chlo.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“It didn’t surprise me Max, only confirmed my suspicions. I always knew what he was like, nobody else could see it. Nobody cared about me enough to see it, especially not my Mom.” It stung to hear her say that. She truly believed it. And the shitty thing is that I really honestly cared about what she had to say, and I knew that if I was still in Arcadia Bay when that happened she would have been able to tell me and we could have gone through it together, but instead my selfish ass had more important shit to worry about. I could see then that nothing was more important than her well-being.

“I’m sorry.”

“Dude, stop apologising, it’s okay. You’re here now.” Her right hand cupped my head and her thumb stroked my cheek. It was as if the contact proved to her that I actually was here. I smiled back. I wanted to tell her that I’d always be here, but then I remembered that I had promised her that before and then life got in the way. I vowed to never lie to her again.

 

By the time we got back to the truck, the sun had completely disappeared and the light of the moon was now sparkling from the ways in a silvery sprinkle in the midst of the night.

The parking lot was completely empty now, the truck stood lonely on the patch of gravel.

“You mind if I have a smoke real quick before we go?” I asked, really I was trying to come up with any excuse to prolong this day, spending time alone with her was bliss. We had reminisced about our shared past, learned about our separate ones and enjoyed each other’s present company. This day was all I wanted forever. Going back to LA meant going back to real life, an I didn’t want that just yet.

“Sure.” We leaned against the truck’s hood in comfortable silence.

I was half way through my cigarette before I noticed she was watching me.

“What?” I beamed at her,

“Nothing...” She shook her head but didn’t turn her smirking face away,

“Seriously! What is it?” I laughed around the words,

“It’s just...my memories didn’t do how fucking beautiful you are justice.” _Fuck._ The smiles wiped from our faces as the moment burned in intensity around us. My memories didn’t recall how her words could make me melt. The night flashed in her eyes and in the next moment I was sat on the hood of the truck, with her body between my legs, our mouth locked together in passion. I tangled my fingers in her hair and her hands travelled down to my breasts, my nipples hardened as her thumbs grazed them. I moaned into her mouth as our kisses got more urgent, more violent.

She picked me up and carried me around to the bed of the truck, as I stayed wrapped around her like water, kissing down her neck. Before I knew it, we were lying in the truck bed on some kind of picnic blanket, me on top of her.

Once I began feeling her body, I couldn’t stop. I sat up, straddling her waist, she shed her t-shirt and I fumbled with her belt buckle and button-fly. She chuckled softly before taking over from me and shuffling out of her jeans and underwear. I smiled in thanks before lowering my mouth onto her. Her laughter was replaced by soft moans as I teased her with my tongue. I traced a line of kisses up her inner thigh before gently placing a final one on her clit, to which she took a sharp intake of breath and arched her back. This spurred me into overdrive, I was taken over by passion and lust for her, I circled her clit over and over with my tongue before pushing two fingers into her. The noises that came from her were music to me. And i continued, getting faster and harder as she got closer and closer.

I felt her spasm around my fingers before clenching in orgasm, I continued as she rode out the waves of pleasure. I was glad that the parking lot was empty because her screams would have definitely attracted attention. She fell quiet and ceased my movement by grabbing the back of my head and pulling me up to kiss her. The kiss was soft, wet and quiet, and when we broke she smiled at me through lazy eyes.

“You’re going to kill me.” She whispered against the skin of my chest, which was swathed in a thin sheen of sweat as her face rested against it. I kissed the top of her head and replied,

“I hope not. Better not do that again, just to be safe.” I joked. She growled and bit my skin gently,

“Don’t you dare. I don’t mind, it wouldn’t be a bad way to go.” That was definitely true.

We lied like that for a while, staring at the stars in her truck bed. Her naked body wrapped around mine.

I felt her skin break out in goosebumps under my wandering fingers. I stretched out to grab her t-shirt from where it had been thrown,

“Put this on, it’s getting cold.” She took it from me and pulled it over her head,

“And late, come on, let’s go.”

 

She put on the rest of her clothes while I waited in the passenger seat, I put on an old 80s pop CD I’d found as she climbed into the truck. It wasn’t long before the day caught up with me and I drifted asleep.

 

“Wake up Zombie face.” Chloe shook my shoulder to wake me up, I was surprised and a little disappointed to find I’d slept the whole drive back. I hated wasting a single minute with her, we missed out on enough time already. We were driving though busy streets a couple of blocks from my house,she asked my address and I don’t know why I was disheartened by that. It really hadn’t taken me long to forget that she was staying with Rachel for the foreseeable future, we weren’t a couple. And going home alone reminded me of that.

She pulled up out side, said “Bye.”, kissed me on the cheek and asked me to call her. Just as I jumped out of the door her phone buzzed on the seat next to her. I saw ‘Rachel’ flash up on the creen and it was as if a white-hot knife was being driven into my chest.

I left her and she went back into Rachel’s arms. I smiled and walked inside without another word.

I was left with a sinking feeling. She had said that I was going to kill her, but at this rate I didn’t know how long I would survive her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeps head out from behind sofa* ...thoughts?  
> P.S Do people in America say Cheeky Cow? Not sure if my Englishness sneaks through too much.


	12. When It's Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone...here's Chloe's POV. Part 1.  
> I'm writing part 2 now and hopefully it will be up later tonight. This one is real sad, so I apologise in advance. And Chloe is about to fuck up so I'm sorry for that too.  
> Song for this one is When It's Cold I'd Like to Die- Moby.  
> (I just re-watched Stranger Things so you're getting a couple of songs from the soundtrack lol)  
> We got some substance abuse in this chapter, and a little look into Chloe and Rachel's toxic relationship. Just bare in mind it wasn't always like this for them, so the adjustment is going to be a little crazy.

**Chapter 12- When It's Cold**

 

_“I want to come with you to the airport.” I pleaded. I don’t know what good I thought that would do though. She wasn’t usually this stubborn, but I could tell something was different this time. There was no changing her mind, I just knew it._

_“You just can’t Chloe, I’m sorry.” Her blue eyes swam with tears, I could tell she was hurting and as much as I knew the pain of seeing her leave would rip me to pieces, I still had to do exactly what she wanted. My pain was nothing if it meant preventing her’s._

_I couldn’t think of anything to do but nod my head._

_“Call me when you land though. Promise?” I needed to know that she was safe._

_“I promise.” She whispered. I knew in that moment that she wouldn’t call me. I could feel it in my bones. Something had changed, and I knew we’d never be the same. Every day she seemed to close off just a little bit more. My Max was slipping away from me, like sand through my fingers. But so help me God, I would hold on forever if it meant keeping one single grain for myself._

_After the days of us discussing how we could stay in touch, how we were going to see each other whenever we could because we simply couldn’t live without each other, all it came down to in the end was that she was leaving. Today. And she wasn’t coming back._

_Her Dad honked the horn from outside. It didn’t feel like a freight train running through my chest, or a wave of sadness crashing over me like I had expected it to. No. It was more like I was being drained, I could feel my emotions slowly trickling out of me. Being replaced by numbness, their presence replaced by space void of substance. She was stood in front of me yet she was already gone._

_I didn’t know it then, but we had already shared our last kiss, two days earlier on the bench by the lighthouse. In a way I was grateful for that, not knowing our last kiss was our last kiss, at the time I loved it for what it was, another representation of the depth of feeling I shared with the love of my life. But now it was this beautiful fragment of a memory that I would pack away to remember on a rainy day._

_I don’t remember walking there but we were already at my front door. Her arms encircled me and we clutched each other for dear life. I took a deep breath of the little world that existed within our arms, hoping that the air that lived there would be enough to get me through the rest of my life._

_Then she was gone._

_Forever._

_“Goodbye, Chloe.”_

 

I killed the truck’s engine once I got home. I took the silent moment of LA night as an opportunity to reflect. Today, with Max, had felt like I wanted every day to feel like. Having her back in my life was like getting back a piece of myself I didn’t know was missing, and I just wish I had the balls to say ‘fuck you’ to the world and be with her. There were moments when I felt free enough to do that. Like I could have walked straight out of the door and into her arms, without a second thought. But then that second thought came, and it stuck around in my mind like a bad smell. The thought that I couldn’t leave Rachel. I couldn’t. She had been there for me when Max hadn’t. When no-one had been in fact. And that made her the single most important person to me because without her, I was sure I wouldn’t be alive right now.

Even without all that, if I left her now, I’d be homeless. Again. I couldn’t even face that idea.

Then again, the majority of moments I spent with her these days, were spent wishing I could be with someone else. And I questioned whether that was fair on her either. If I couldn’t be fully committed to her, then what was the point in lying?

I just didn’t know what to do.

Then my toxic thoughts struck again. I found myself wishing that she was cheating on me. I had my suspicions, when she disappeared for days at a time, that she was seeing someone else. I had never felt the need to chase up these concerns before, I don’t know why. I guess I just didn’t care all that much. I was happy with her, and that was all that mattered. I could just ignore it. But now, I hoped that she was sleeping with someone else. With all my heart. I knew this was my guilty conscience talking. I could pretend my cheating wasn’t so bad if she was doing it too. I also told myself that I hoped she had found someone new so that she could be happy. But really I knew that I didn’t want her hassle if the time came to end it. Things would be far easier if she had someone else to go to.

_Fuck, I’m a bad person. After everything she’s done for me, I’m ordering her away like a pest._

I eventually gathered up the courage to go inside, not knowing if Rachel would be back yet. And not really caring.

With morbid curiosity, kept an eye out for Rachel’s convertible as I walked through the parking garage. I saw it parked in the spot closest to the stairwell and prepared myself for whatever mood she might be in.

It was always a lottery with her. Something that I used to find exciting. Now, I just found it annoying.

I unlocked the door to the Penthouse and was met by a cloud of smoke and the smell of weed hit me like a wall. Not that I minded, but Rachel never usually smoked without me, so this amount of smoke was bizarre.

“Rach?” I called out, I could barely see the apartment through the haze. Fuck knows how much she had smoked to hot box the apartment like this.

I got no response so I carried on into the living room.

“Where have you been?” Rachel’s spaced out voice came from by my feet as I passed the couch. I tried to take a deep breath to clear my mind ready for this conversation, but the close atmosphere made that difficult. I looked down at her, she was wearing the same clothes she had been when I last saw her, her hair piled in a mess on top of her head, an open bottle of vodka tucked in her hand. Her knees were gathered against her chest, and her eyes were red from the weed, or tears, or both.

I lowered down to sit on the floor with her. I hoped that being on the same level would mean we were on equal points of view.

“Where have you been?” I echoed. I knew what this was. It wasn’t unusual that she would disappear for days, but what was odd was that I wasn’t here when she came back. She lifted the vodka to take a swig. I was jealous, I needed that to deal with this situation. As if she read my mind, she passed me the bottle. I took a deep pull and winced from the burn as it slid down my throat. This part wasn’t unusual, it was an almost weekly occurrence that Rach and I would sit in the living room and share a bottle of liquor. We chased it down with harsh kisses and rough sex before collapsing and waiting for it to happen all over again.

“I was...at Vicky’s…” She mumbled the words out. She was wasted. And I didn’t really know what to do with her. Whenever she was usually like this, I was too. I really didn’t know if she was lying or not. I told myself she was because it fit in with my desired narrative. I was hopeful, “Your turn,” She pointed at me and took the bottle from my hands.

“I was working.” If she could lie, so could I.

She nodded her head once and pursed her lips. I knew I was a bad liar.

She picked up my bong from the coffee table and took another hit. I was sure she’d had enough, but the tense atmosphere din’t need anymore aggravation.

A long silence.

I felt her head turn to look at me, and I looked into her eyes for the first time since I got back. Her pupils were like saucers, they completely eclipsed the hazel of her irises. There was no way she had only smoked up. Fuck knows what else she’d taken. She broke my heart. Things had been so hard for her, as hard as they had been for me. The difference between us was that her parents had the money to buy out her trauma, whereas mine didn’t. Here we sat, each of us more fucked up than the other, in her penthouse apartment, paid for by Daddy’s hush money, lying to each other.

Her eyes said, ‘I’m sorry’, and mine replied ‘me too’. She leaned in and kissed me gently. Her lips were intoxicated and lazy. It felt as though my lips were supporting her whole body wait, the only part of us that was touching. And I don’t know whether it was the buzz of the alcohol, the second-hand high or the haze of my highly strung emotions but I wanted to return the kiss. I wanted to kiss her. The security it provided me with was too overwhelming and appealing.

So I did, I deepened the kiss. And she bunched up into my body. Although it felt as though the bones in her body had turned to dust and she couldn’t hold herself. The kiss was selfish, on both our parts, we were doing it for our own ulterior motives, blindly searching for something that both of us knew didn’t exist in the other. But it was the best we could get. Things went the way they always did, and we had sex. It was quick, it was sad, and it was empty. I don’t know why I did it, maybe I thought it would make her feel better.

I tasted salt. And her soft body jerked. I realised she was crying; sobbing in fact.

I halted the kiss and pressed her face into my shoulder with my hand on the back of her head, I stroked her hair and rocked her with the occasional, ‘shush’ and ‘it’s okay’. It was a vain, useless attempt to reassure her, and I questioned why I would do that when I was inevitably going to hurt her soon, very soon. But I did it, because it was my instinct. When she was upset I comforted her. That’s how it went.

Before long her movements stopped and her steady breathing told me she had fallen asleep. I scooped her up and carried her to bed.

I wandered back through the living room to grab a smoke on the balcony, cracking open windows on my way there to air out the apartment.

As I stood there, floating above the bustle of the LA night, I realised what was holding me back. From opening up completely to Max, from telling Rachel the truth, from speaking to my Mom. I was scared. Fucking terrified actually, of what might happen. I’d gotten so comfortable, for the first time since my Dad died, here with Rachel. But seeing Max again had forced me to question whether comfortable was what I really wanted. Was I content with contentment.

The answer was of course no.

If teenage Chloe could see me now, the little smart-ass would probably bitch slap me and tell me to do what I fucking wanted. Before grabbing Max’s hand and running away to the forests of Arcadia Bay. I longed for that life. I wanted it back with every fibre of my being. And if I was being honest with myself I knew I could get back to that level of happiness if I stopped worrying about everyone around me and just focused on what made me happy.

The thing with adulthood though, is that it isn’t that simple.

I knew Rachel’s story. And I knew that it would kill her to have another person dump her like she was nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I had no fucking idea. But what I should have realised was that someone was going to get hurt, no matter what I decided.

I had hurt Rachel, I’d already cheated on her. Without much hesitation.

I’d now hurt Max, sleeping with Rachel after telling her I was in love with her had been cruel and unforgivable.

And most of all, I’d hurt myself. Every day I was living in this, I was chipping away at myself. Every little piece decaying and falling away from me. Before long, nothing would be left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, well done for getting to the end! That was rough going, huh?  
> I'm struggling with this at the moment guys, there is something huge I want to get to in this story but I don't want it to feel rushed. Can I get your guys's feedback on how you think the pacing of the story is going? I don't want to be writing shit that feels like filler but then again I don't want to rush my way through the plot! Argh...such a dilemma!  
> Anyways I'm getting on with Chloe's second chapter now...TTYL! xox
> 
> PS Continuing my voyage into all things American: I'm sat here eating Mini Eggs? Do you guys have them in the states? If not you're missing out...


	13. Atmosphere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys...here's a happier one. But with these two, who knows how long it's going to last?  
> Song for this chapter is Atmosphere- Joy Division, amazing song which is shockingly very atmospheric.  
> 'our song' that Chloe hums is This Year's Love by David Gray. Such a lovely song. Both of these tunes are on the The Far Away Here and Now playlist on Spotify.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> Hope you all enjoy...

**Chapter 13- Atmosphere**

 

_ “Hey baby.” I leaned against my truck, the LA sun scorching me. Rachel had just emerged from the door of the office building where the auditions were being held. She was fucking radiant. How did I get so lucky? _

_ I’d brought her a bunch of flowers from the gas station on the way, I held them out to her with a cigarette dangling from my mouth. _

_ “Hey right back atcha sexy. Who are those for? I know it can’t be me...you never buy me flowers.” She winked at me, and I felt a beaming smile break out across my face.  _

_ “Actually, smartass, they are for you. It’s a special occasion.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned into my body, pecking a kiss on my lips. She hummed against my lips, I hugged her tightly around her waist. _

_ “Oh yeah? And what would that be?” She was smirking, smug bitch. _

_ “Well...I know for a fact that you just got that part.” She had auditioned for a gender swapped version of The Tempest a small theatre downtown was running. _

_ “How could you possibly know that, Price?” Her face was painted with playful confusion. _

_ “Because…drumroll please… Frank just offered me a full-time position as a mechanic in the shop. So the nonexsistant Gods are smiling down on us today.” I watched as her eyes widened and her face lit up with a beautiful smile. _

_ “No way! Chloe that’s fucking awesome! I’m so hella proud of you!” I laughed along with her as I picked her up from around her waist and spun her in circles. _

_ I felt joy in that moment like I hadn’t in a long time. Max sprung into my head. I have no fucking idea why. I shook her out straight away. _

_ Rachel kissed me deeply on the lips and I dipped her dramatically. _

_ “Hey, cut that out!” She slapped my shoulder and laughed heartily. _

_ We climbed into my truck, and she blasted her shitty music from my stereo. I looked at her as the sun played in her golden hair, she sang along to the lyrics at the top of her lungs, her arm stretched out of the open window. _

_ “How about I hit up Damon? This calls for a celebration…” She was already texting before hearing my answer. Of course I agreed. _

_ I drove us straight to Sera’s bar on 4th and before we entered she grabbed my hand, kissed my cheek and said with confidence, _

_ “I love you, Chloe Price.” This love was something I needed, something I was grateful for. _

_ “I love you too, Rachel Amber.” _

 

The weeks flew by in a blur, Rachel and I passed by each other in the apartment, but spent very little time together. There was an occasional fuck after I came back from work some nights but they had no build up or aftermath, and I almost forgot they happened as soon as they were over. I think It was our bodies acting on autopilot, trying to rekindle the flame that had long since been extinguished.

On top of the absense of Rachel, trying to squeeze in time with Max had been a challenge. Things had really picked up for her at the studio. Her pictures of her assistant Kate had gotten picked up by a website who had hired her to do some fashion photography for multiple clients. She was rushed off her feet, and I was proud of her. But it meant we didn’t have a lot of time to meet or see each other. We were lucky if we got once a week. Now this, to anyone else, probably sounded like plenty. But my body called out to Max, and I couldn’t bare to be separate from her. Every time I was it felt like I was going through withdrawals.

I would bring her and Kate coffee some mornings but we only really spent large amounts of time together on Tuesdays, the one day she had off and I got off early at the garage. I was missing her like crazy and decided that this week I would take her out on a real date, we could go to dinner and maybe go out dancing. I wanted to treat her like she deserved to be treated, like I wanted to treat her. 

The idea wasn’t totally selfless though, I decided to take the evening as an opportunity to see how things could go between us if we were together. Like really together. To prove to myself that we were meant to be together. I figured I’d call her real quick to solidify the plans.

She answered after 3 rings,

“Hey Captain.” She sounded out of breath,

“Hello beautiful, you sound busy.” Her voice instantly lifted my mood.

“No, just tired, I went for a run. How about you? Hows your morning so far?” She had that adrenaline high bounce to her voice,

“Quiet, not many people have come in so far. No noisy old bugs to fix, so it’s a boring day all in all.”  I teased,

“Well the mechanic that fixed mine up was pretty shit, so you could expect mine in soon.” She was laughing. She gave as good as she got.

“Shut that mouth. Anyway, I was calling for a reason.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell.” She sounded intrigued. I heard her gulp some water down.

“How would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?”

A slight pause.

“Chloe Elizabeth Price, are you asking me on a date?”

“Maybe.” I bit my lip, “Maxine Caulfield, are you accepting my offer of a date?”

“Since you asked so nicely, I guess I am.”

The sound of her smile reflected mine.

“Wear something nice, I’m bout to wine and dine you, Caulfield. I’ll pick you up at 8.”

“I can’t wait.”

 

I was wearing my nicest pair of black skinny jeans- that meant the ones without any holes- my Doc Martens, that I tried to keep as nice as possible. With a white shirt, sleeves rolled up and suspenders dangling down past my hips. I thought they might remind her of when we were kids. I always wore them, even though I guess they are pretty goofy. I had let my hair dry naturally so it fell in soft waves just past my shoulders. The blue was fading a little, I made a mental note to get a box dye at some point. I even put a little dark makeup around my eyes.  _ Hey, I wanted to make an effort for her. _

At 7:30, I ordered an Uber to pick take me to Max’s before taking us to the restaurant I’d booked a table at.

I don’t know why my stomach was dancing with butterflies. It was just Max. But, that’s just it, the is nothing ‘just’ about Max. My mind and body go into a sort of overdrive whenever I think about her. She’s everything I want, and everything I will ever want. I knew that now. I just had to figure out the logistics of us being together. Failure wasn’t an option.

I buzzed her apartment at 8 on the dot and less than 30 second later she emerged, I wasn’t even nearly prepared for wht she looked like. 

Her hair was curled in a sea of chunky ringlets down her back, her eyes were framed in coppery tones of gold, making her blue eyes flicker and dance in the evening light. She was wearing a white tea dress that buttoned down the centre, fitting her small frame tightly to her waist before falling freely to mid thigh. Her legs were alabaster and smooth with a string anklet on her right ankle, and my eyes lingered on them a little too long. She was wearing brown Birkenstocks, with her cute toes painted black.

When I dared to look back at her face, she was biting her glossy lip.

“Do I look okay?” She asked through her eyelashes. I looked at her like she was from the moon.

“‘Okay’? Fucking ‘okay’? You look spectacular.” She blinked up at me. Before she could deny my words, I silence her self-depricating thoughts by cupping her face and kissing her. It was better than I remembered. It always was.

“You ready to rock?” She nodded and we jumped back in the cab.

 

“...and Skip says ‘I've gotten reports about how your head is really far up your ass!’ straight to Principal fucking Wells himself. It was the funniest shit I’ve ever heard, man, I swear.” Her face was scrunched up in laughter, as I finished another one of my stories from Blackwell before she got her scholarship. I got expelled not long after she started there, so we didn’t really spend a lot of time in school together. It was only now, 5 years later, that we were finally getting the opportunity to catch up on all of my antics. 

“I’d almost forgotten how much of a hellraiser you were, Chlo.” She said, taking a last spoonful of the chocolate tart we had shared for dessert. The food was insanely delicious. And insanely expensive, but she was more than worth it.

“What do you mean ‘were’? I’ve still got it, I’ll have you know.”

“Oh, I know.” I narrowed my eyes at her. What was that supposed to mean?

I chose not to push the topic at that moment. Instead grabbing the bill. And after an expected argument about who was going to settle the cheque, I paid and we left the resteraunt.

The time was apporaching 11pm, we had spent so long talking, laughing and eating. It had been perfect, but every hour spent with her passed in the blink of an eye, and I didn’t want the night to be over yet. 

The restaurant was in a nice part of town that had a lot of fancy bars open until late, so we felt pretty safe walking around in the balmy heat of the night. I grabbed her hand. Our fingers were threaded and we were once again, one being. It felt euphoric. I could do anything as long as I was touching her.

We found ourselves in a small public park area, a kid’s playground stood silently watching us, and fairy lights twinkled over the path. We were totally alone, save for the stars.

I stopped in my tracks and pulled her to me. She squealed a little in surprise. She was just the cutest thing.

“Dance with me?” I raised one eyebrow in question. Although I already grabbed her waist with my free hand and started to sway our bodies to inaudible music.

She just laughed and shook her head with a stupid grin on her face. I hummed our song, from way back when. I heard her breath catch.  _ Yeah, I’d forgotten it too. Right until this moment. _

Here, surrounded by us, in us, being us. I knew that this was all I needed. Everything else, Rachel, the apartment, money, it all faded into white noise. It didn’t matter. All my mental energy was focused on the magnificent creature swaying clumsily in front of me. She was all I could possibly hope for. 

“I’m ending it.” I whispered into her hair. She looked up at me with those wide doe eyes.

“What?” It was partially a word, partially a breath.

“Tomorrow, I’m ending things with Rachel. I can’t bare to live another day of my life without you being mine.” Tears fell from her eyes, cascading down her cheeks. They were like long awaited rain in a drought, glorious. Glorious proof that this was real. Relief was coming at last.

“I love you.” She mouthed, unable to formulate sounds adequate to portray the joy of that moment.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you all think is next?  
> I've put out two chapters tonight to make up for my lack of writing this weekend, it's Mother's Day this Sunday over here, so I'm going home to see my mama.  
> Hope you all have a great weekend xox


	14. Chapter 14- Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...long time no see, huh?  
> I'm so sorry about the huge gap between chapters, I have just finished my exams for second year so of course all of my energy went into them for a little while. But I'm back, and learning to actually enjoy writing again, so that's a big yay!  
> Anyways back onto this story and I'm sorry I couldn't make my return with a happier chapter but this one is necessary, even though it's pretty darn sad.  
> Trigger warning on this one for drug abuse. If addiction is something you're struggling with please know that you're not alone and there are people you can talk to. People want to help you, and you can beat it.   
> Song for this chapter is Mary- Big Thief. An absolutely beautiful song.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> This chapter is a very important step in Max starting her journey back to loving herself. Please respect her process.  
> Please let me know what you think, I'll be hiding behind the sofa.

**Chapter 14**

 

_ The breeze was cool on my lips as it swept away the smoke that escaped from them. I felt my thoughts catch on the stars that littered the black expanse of night above me, I wondered if those were the same stars she saw, right at that moment. Of course they were, they were the same stars everyone saw, but I liked to imagine that they weren’t, that they were something that was saved specifically for us. Our own little gift from the universe that allowed us to share something even across all those miles. I hadn’t thought of Chloe in a long time. I didn’t really know how long, it’s tough to measure the time between one thought and another. But I knew that this familiar ache that currently resided in my lungs was a nostalgic one. Not unpleasant, in so much that it hurt beyond belief, but rather in the fact that it was warm, comforting, yet empty. Reminding me of what she gave me, of what she could be giving me, if only I was there.  _

_ My time in New York so far had done exactly what my Mom had said it would. It opened my eyes up to the world on a far larger scale, showed me endless possibilities and enlightened me to my place in the grand scheme of things. But I think she had hoped this would have improved my way of thinking. Taken my mind off of people she didn’t approve of back home. Made me grateful for it. It didn’t of course. The vastness of this city had made me feel small, shown me how insignificant I was in comparison to the twisted concrete piled on top of me.  Sat here, smoking a cigarette on the roof of my dorm building, I didn’t feel so small. I was no longer looking up to more lives existing atop each other, I was looking to an uninterrupted view of the stars. And it wasn’t as if I felt suddenly important or huge in the face of existence, but rather a cog in its machine. Integral to the way it worked. Because without me this universe would just be a tiny bit different. Who knows if it would be better or for worse but Christ knows it wouldn’t be the same. And I like this universe, it’s painful and cruel and surprising and vibrant and wonderful. So if I had the ability to be a part of that unpredictably magnificent thing, even if it was just a little bit, I would.  _

_ It was this thought that made me believe it. The concept I had struggled with so much over the last few months. If I could feel this intimate connection with something so gargantuan as the cosmos, how hard could it be to feel a connection to Chloe? _

 

The evening ended where it was always going to. At the doorway to her apartment. Neither of us had given a second thought to Rachel, our minds were focused intently and entirely on each other. Our lips were pressed together, with my back to the wall just beside her door. If I had been at all aware of my surroundings it would have struck me as odd that I could hear the faint thud of music coming from behind me. But of course the overwhelming presence of beauty and blue hair that was touching my body and soul didn’t allow me to realise that they was someone inside the apartment. She pulled away from me with her hand on my cheek and looked at me with that smirk. Before grabbing her keys from her back pocket, sliding one into the lock, twisting and opening the door.

 

Remembering what happened next is difficult. It’s hard to describe what being faced with your greatest fear and greatest desire does to you. It sends your brain into a kind of turbulence, inescapable and wild. Like there's a wind tunnel directed down into the top of your head that sends waves through what remains of your wills and body.

The apartment wasn’t empty, far from it. People, in various stages of consciousness were strewn all about the floor. The air hung heavy with smoke and the smell of marijuana and body odour, and something unidentifiably familiar that took me back to a time I had tried so hard to forget. The steady thump of some rhythmic music pulsated through the air in time with my laboured heartbeat, I dragged my eyes around the room in an attempt to understand what was happening in the scene before me.

The one face I recognised was Rachel’s, if you could even call it her face. She was sat on the floor, legs bundled up beneath her, eyes half shut-half open, dark rings underneath them. I couldn’t tell if it was her make-up that had run or if she was just sleep deprived and absent. She looked horrendous. Dishevelled and high out of her mind. It was such a shock to see perfect Rachel, who always looked so put together in this state. Frankly, it was terrifying. There was a dark-haired man sat beside her, one of his arms thrown over her shoulder, arms that were thickly lined in tribal tattoos that stopped at his chin. He was using the other arm to gather that familiar white powder into a line on the coffee table using some kind of black card. Bottles of liquor were countless on the floor and clutched between peoples fingers as they all seemed to be partaking in various kinds of drug use. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. But they were all my eyes saw, and I was spiralling, back into that pit of despair that I had become so comfortable in during my late teens. I didn’t want to go back but there was no helping me then, I could almost feel the impulse to walk towards the coffee table travelling from my mind to my feet. 

Something stopped it at my right hand. Chloe’s hand brushed accidentally against my own and that broke me from the hypnotic trance I had been pulled into. My head snapped to look at her and the pure look of panic on her face scared me far more than the possibility of my own re-introduction to drugs. 

The phrase ‘like she’d seen a ghost’ seems too tame and to over-used to be relevant to her reaction. But the terror and shock at the presence of a spectral projection seems like the only thing that could describe how she seemed to be feeling at that moment. Her disappointment was evident but so was her concern for Rachel. She was obviously far from coherent and in danger. But both of us were too frozen to even think about that. I didn’t know what to do for her, I wanted to touch her, to comfort us both, but ths wasn’t about me. I didn’t want to make this about me. All I really wanted to do was get out of there. Take the temptation and the memories out of the equation. I could leave, nothing was stopping me. Other than I guess the inner tug of war between my impulses, wills and emotions. I didn’t know what to do.

“Chlo! Dude! You’re back!” A male voice, lazy under intoxication exclaimed from her right hand side.

A short man of around our age bounded over to her, hand extended toward her. In his palm lay two small white pills. The sight caused all my muscles to tense, I bit down so hard on my lip that I drew blood.

I wanted to reach out, snatch them from his hand and submit to the euphoria that I missed with every fibre of my being. I remembered the words of my therapist, ‘relapse isn’t the end, it's just another hurdle that you can and will overcome’, but in that moment it really did feel like it. It felt like if I gave in I would never give up. So I was selfish. For once in my damn life I stopped thinking about everyone else, I stopped thinking about Chloe, and I ran. As fast as my legs would carry me, I ran. Out of the apartment, out of the building and into the night. 

My tears ran just as fast.

 

It took me a long time to get back to my place, but I didn’t care. I was grateful for the burning in my lungs because it told me that I had done what I never thought I could. I said no, and I saved myself, without anyone having to tell me to. The help of other people was something that was vital to my recovery and rehabilitation, but as much as I love Chloe, she wasn’t able to help me in that moment, I had to help myself. And I did. I was proud. I am proud.

Everything tumbled around me as I crawled into bed. The spectacular evening we had spent together, how could it have been just a few hours ago, I felt like I had lived a lifetime since then, and I was struggling to understand it. I needed to speak to someone, I needed to process it. My mind jumped straight to Steph. She had helped e through so much and her guidance was probably one of the main reasons I was still alive today.

I fished for my phone in my purse, when I pulled it out there were 23 missed calls from Chloe. I only allowed myself to read to few texts that showed on the lock screen.

**Chloe: Max, I’m so worried. Call me.**

**Chloe: You can’t know how sorry I am. I don’t know what[…]**

**Chloe: I love you.**

I didn’t think about them. I needed to time to process what I even thought about tonight and to think about what was best for both of us.

Steph’s number was engraved into my muscle memory so it took me no time at all to dial her number.

She answered after 2 rings in a sleepy voice, “Max? Honey, are you okay?”

I just cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Who are we feeling the most sorry for? I have no bloody idea.  
> PS It's so beautiful here in England, I'm actually sat writing outside.


	15. The End of All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi...  
> I know, I know, I know, I'm a mess and apparently incapable of keeping any kind of regular update schedule. I've just been so busy and blah blah blah, I'm really really sorry guys. We will get our wonderful girls' story finished.  
> This chapter sees the end of Max’s nostalgia. This flashback is the final flashback and after this turning point, Max will truly start to move forward with her life. I have the final few chapters lined out now and we’re reaching the end. This one is going to be a real gut-punch but kind of bittersweet too. I’m also doing a sort of part 1 of 2 chapter as an apology from me for taking so long. Chloe's POV of events will come next. Please, enjoy and as always, let me know what you thought.  
> Song for this chapter is Panic! At the Disco- The End of All Things.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy

_ The dull blue light projected from the ancient computer monitor that resided in my dorm. I didn’t know how long the behemoth technology had lived in that tiny room, but I was sure it would out-live all of us. The screen flickered softly, the kind of flicker that made me unsure whether it was the screen or my own tired eyes.  _

_ JFK-LAX Standard class. _

_ My mouse hovered over the purchase icon as my mind debated what was best. My time in New York had undoubtedly been unhealthy, but it had been real. The world out there was big, even bigger than the huge presence of New York, and that was terrifying. Maybe it was better the devil I knew.  _

_ I was being silly, I’d already made arrangements with my aunt about staying at her place, I had my studio space set up, I had to go. But something inside me was preventing me from making that tiny movement in my finger to click ‘purchase’. _

_ The act of buying these tickets had almost felt shameful. Perhaps that’s why I sat in front of my computer at sometime after midnight, only a week before I was scheduled to leave. The dead of night made me feel that I wasn’t admitting defeat. New York was supposed to be the great success story of my life. I would tell my children, as we sat in our townhouse, a story about a girl who left her small-town life to come to the big city. About how she found herself, and found her home.  _

_ The dream was gone from my future now. And I had to set off to find a new one.  _

_ There was nothing shameful in admitting defeat, I had to know that, quite the opposite in fact. It was courageous, mature and glorious, to know yourself enough to see when something isn’t right for you and to dive from the ledge to find something new. With that thought, I pressed my finger down. _

 

“No, Steph...I…” And the dam fell. I told her everything, everything I’d never told her. About my childhood friend, Chloe. About how we grew up together, and fell in love, how she had lived in the back of my mind for my whole life, and how her hands had shaped my every move. I told her about New York, gave her a new perspective on situations she was already a part of. I apologised for how I was during our relationship, admitted that I was never her’s, that I couldn’t be when I was eternally Chloe’s. I told her about our reunion, about Rachel, and our summer. And then I told her about tonight, right up until the present, curled under my aunt’s duvet talking to her.

“Wow…” That’s all she could say, I mean what did I expect? This whole situation was a mess and I’m sure if I wasn’t the one in the middle of it, I’d be at a loss for words too.

“Max, I think you need to leave.” Silence.

Well that was unexpected.

“Of course, I completely trust your judgement and if you think you can stick out the next month then I will believe you, but...Max, this isn’t healthy.” Her voice was solemn. She truly meant every word. And there was an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that she was right. 

“Don’t come back to New York if you don’t want to, go wherever you think is best, but I don’t think LA is that place. And as much as you clearly love each other, I don’t think Chloe nor you is in the right place to start up a relationship right now.” 

There it was, the truth that I had dreaded facing all along. That I couldn’t be with her, not as the people we were right now. It simply wasn’t possible.

“Max, you always have a home with me and Alyssa,” Alyssa was Steph’s fiancee, “but you need to get out of there honey, one way or another.”

 

A week had passed and my plans were in motion. This was the point in my story where I found my way, piece by piece, without any expectations about success or failure, taking one day at a time. I sat in the coffee shop nursing my tea, waiting for Kate. I was almost as worried for this conversation as I was for talking to Chloe. Kate had been so helpful to me over the last couple of months and I felt like I was about to squander her respect.

She pushed through the door, the little bell above it chiming. She was piled with bags and books, and she bumped into a few chairs on her way over to the table where I sat. The corners of my mouth were tugged into a smile, she was just so cute, a genuine person and had a bright future ahead of her.

“Hey, Max. Sorry I’m late, I got holed up at the library, and of course my printer is bust again..”

I waved her off with my hand and told her not to worry, I was early anyway. I’d already bought her usually order of English Breakfast Tea with milk and two sugars and so I pushed it toward her. She thanked me graciously, of course and took a sip.

“So you sounded pretty serious on the phone, what’s going on?” She looked at my through her long, choppy bangs.

“Yeah… Kate, I’m so sorry but I’m leaving next week. I’m not going to be able to continue your placement, I have some personal stuff I need to sort out and I can’t do that here.”

I let it all out in the one breath I had been holding. I felt her hand take mine. I looked up into her eyes.

“My required placement ended two weeks ago. I didn’t tell you because I was enjoying working with you so much. I’ve learnt more about photography from you than I did the whole semester at school. Go, find yourself. Enjoy yourself, for once, you deserve it.” Her smile reached her eyes.

Of course, why was I ever nervous about talking to Kate. She was always going to be 100% supportive and helpful. And knew exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better.

“Kate, I would’ve paid you a cut, you should have told me…” She waved me off, mirroring my previous action.

“That’s not why I did it. Your experience and guidance was more than enough.” She was just the best.

We parted with a warm hug and a promise to stay in touch. 

If ever I was nearby, in 1-2 years time, I had to keep an eye out for famous photography Kate Marsh.

 

I was back in the spot where Chloe and I spent that beautiful night, on a park bench, waiting to have yet another difficult conversation with Chloe. I was staring at the point under the magnolia tree where we danced, I could see us, like ghosts, or echoes I guess, swaying awkwardly to Chloe’s hums.

I felt her before I saw her, and smelled her, peppermint and tobacco. I kept my eyes forward.

“Hey.” She spoke first. I looked at her, eyes free of their dark black rings, blue hair hanging around her face. She was tired and run down, we both were. And this gave me the courage to speak my truth, that we both needed time away from each other.

“I’m…”

“You’re leaving.” She interrupted me. 

“How did you know that…?” Her eyes were forward and mine bored holes into the side of her face.

“We’ve done this before.” She had a sad smile on her low hanging face. Then it struck me, we had been here before. Sat on a park bench, and yet again I was walking away from her.

“Oh…” I breathed out the realisation.

“Chloe… That night, at your apartment, something broke in me, and maybe I shouldn’t have run but I couldn’t stand being there for a minute longer. And that feeling, of standing in that doorway, it’s kind of how I’ve been feeling the whole time I’ve been here. And…”

“And you have to get out.” She met my eyes. “I get it, I love you more than anything, and I get it. Go, you’ve got to be who you need to be. Without me, and I’m at some point I’m going to be okay with that. You’re wellness means more to me than anything, Max, I swear. I would move the fucking earth to make you happy. So I have to let you go. And that’s okay.” We both reached up at the same time to wipe away the tear that rested on both of our cheeks.

 

That last kiss was wet, but it was the best one I remembered.

We parted with sad smiles and breathy words.

 

And I went home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling guys, winding down now. Please keep in mind this has a happy ending, and we're getting there I promise. X  
> Check out my Tumblr guys for my gay rambling and fandom screaming, @she-cant-think-straight. Love you all.


	16. Exit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, here we go... Chloe's POV of the aftermath of chapter 13. We pick up from when she and Max walk into the apartment to find Rachel's party. It's a long one today, I literally couldn't stop writing. It's super upsetting but I had a lot of fun writing this. It felt cathartic to get things out in the open. Hope you guys find some relief in this too.  
> Song for this chapter is Exit Music (For a Film)- Radiohead.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> 2 more chapters after this, I promise they're going to be a whole lot happier.  
> Enjoy...:)

**Chapter 15- Exit**

 

““Chlo! Dude! You’re back!” A voice I recognised as Rachel’s friend Hayden’s. He held out his hand and suddenly Max was gone. After I looked down to see what he was offering, I understood why. 

The smoke of my thoughts was as thick as the heady tension hanging in the apartment. I knew Max was no longer by my side but there was nothing I could do about it. I was frozen to the spot. Staring at Rachel’s pale face, vacant eyes looking through me. My mind was working on overdrive while my body made no movement, not even the tiniest quiver of a finger, there was no way I could translate the chaos of my thoughts into any kind of physical reaction.

I wanted to follow Max, to pick her up and take her miles from this place, miles from her horrific past and memories of the pain she endured. Of course, without me, she would have been able to continue through her life without being reminded of that pain, without me, she would’ve had no reason to run. She needed space from me, that was the piercing realisation that severed through the smoke. I needed to leave her be, for now.

The thought shattered through my mind like rainfall, breaking me out of my trance and guiding me to help Rachel. I had to do something, couldn’t stand there in the doorway for hours waiting for someone to swoop in and save me. I had to deal with this, I had to make sure Rachel was okay, I owed her that much.

I slapped Hayden’s hand away from me, sending the pills that he clutched scattering across the floor. I could hear his protests but I had to keep a handle on the feeling of white hot anger building in my stomach, if I let it out, I don’t know what would happen.

I strode across the apartment, climbing over bodies strewn all about the floor, in various stages of consciousness. I made a beeline for the spot on the floor where Rachel clutched a bong in one hand and her own head in the other. I crouched to her level and held her face between my hands.

“Rach...Rach...can you hear me?” I searched her face with my eyes, panic mixing with the anger to form a lethal combination.

She moaned and mumbled a sort of response, which calmed me a little bit. At least she was responding. I just needed to sober her up.

“Fuck…” I whispered to myself, unable to concentrate on her with this mess surrounding me. 

I stood up, walked over to the window, opening it wide to clear out the smoke, I used the remote to turn off the indecipherable baseline. I flicked the light switch on, bathing the room in white light, revealing the true extent of the pitiful expanse.

“Alright, you have 30 seconds to get the fuck out of this apartment.” I shouted into the newfound silence of the room. Nobody moved. 

“Did I fucking stutter? Out.” There was the anger. It was surfacing. The anger I’d pushed down inside of me a long time ago. Stifled underneath years of lies. The time for lying was over, I couldn’t be a part of this life anymore. It wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a life where I could be truthful, with someone who truly knew me without judgement or disappointment.

I wanted Max.

But I couldn’t bring her into this life, I would die before I brought her that kind of pain.

 

People slowly stumbled out of the apartment, like the dead walking. I didn’t care as long as they got the fuck out. I was stood by the door watching them leave, sometimes in little huddles, mostly alone. Until one was left. It was the guy who looked around 40, who had been sat next to Rachel on the floor. He had dark hair, I guess he was sort of good-looking, as far as I could judge, he wore these round glasses, and had tattoos peaking from under his sleeves. The way he looked at me should have scared me, hyper-threatening and testosterone filled. He was the kind of dude that reminded me why I wasn’t into dudes.

“You wanna take a picture, dick? Or do you want to get the fuck out of my house?” I stared him dead in the eye. I was lucky I was tall, because I had a feeling this guy had a way to make people feel small. He simply smirked and sauntered out of the apartment.

I slammed the door behind him and leaned, palms pressed against it for a moment. The smoke had begun to clear, both from my mind and from the apartment. And after I had taken a few deep breaths, I turned to face her.

I may not have held the same feelings for Rachel that I once had, but the sight of her then broke my heart. 

She was perched on the edge of the sofa, the remnants of her drug-fuelled rager spread around her. Her usually radiant gold hair fell limp and greasy around her face. A face that was pale and sickly, the smudges of black makeup around her eyes only adding to their sunken state. She stared at the ground, unblinking.

I wandered over to her, and sat beside her, I ran a hand through my hair and squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to work through the frustration.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” I was trying to be rational. I looked at her, and she shook her head.

“Are you sure? Do you know what you took?” 

“I’m sure,” Her voice was small, smaller than I had ever heard it, “I just need to sleep.” 

I took her hand and helped her to the bedroom, she didn’t seem to be too unstable, evidently coming down from whatever high she had been riding on. 

Looking back, I probably should have taken her, but the visions of the many drug-induced nights I’d had before, I always felt better in my own home. I hoped that was true for her too.

She was asleep as soon as I helped her onto the bed. I pulled her comforter over her, made sure she was on her side, with a glass of water and a bucket by her side just in case. But I could tell she was going to be okay, she just got too drunk and too high and needed to sleep. 

Tomorrow I would tackle the most difficult part.

For now, I texted Max to check she was okay and curled up on the arm chair in the corner of her room and tried to sleep.

 

By the time I woke in the morning, with the mother of all cramps in my neck, Rachel was already out of bed. This wasn’t surprising given any time she had gotten to drunk or stoned, she was still up before 7. Before facing Rachel, I tried to call Max, I knew she wouldn’t answer, but I had to try. I added another text to the endless stream I had the previous night and decided to face Rachel.

I padded through the door, into the living room to find the place totally cleaned up, if I hadn’t been here last night I would’ve had no idea anything even happened.

_ Fuck, she must have been bomb at covering up house parties in high school. _

She was sat at the table, flicking though a copy of Vogue, two plates of bacon and eggs sat on the table. She caught sight of me.

“Morning babe! I made you breakfast.” She was smiling through red eyes. I had hoped she wouldn’t do this.

“Come on, sit down!” She leaned over the table to pour some orange juice into the glass that sat in front of my serving. I honestly didn’t want to deal with this. I’d thought she would have been written off for the whole day today, but as always she proved me wrong. I walked hesitantly over to the table, and sat opposite her. Her face fell as I moved the orange juice from the place she had set up next to her.

“I made bacon, extra crispy, your favourite.” Her eyes didn’t leave my face, I couldn’t meet her gaze, I just couldn’t. Had she seriously hoped we just go back to normal. No, not normal, ideal. Because that’s what she wanted us to be. The ideal fucking couple, America’s lesbian dream, cosy in our penthouse apartment, living the fucking life. A life that was rotting behind closed doors.

“I can’t do this Rachel.” She chose to ignore that.

“I know you usually like scrambled eggs, but I opted for fried, I can always make scrambled as well if that’s what you want, and what about coffee? I have some in the pot…”

“Shut the fuck up! For one second can you just stop fucking talking!” My voice cracked with a sob. Her eyes widened.

“Now, now Chloe, didn’t we talk about your anger?” The look on her face told me all I needed to know. She knew she was in the wrong, her guilty eyes betrayed that, and that fact she could no longer look me in the eye proved that she remembered every second of last night. She was hoping we could sweep it under the rug, in the way we did everything. Not this time.

“Stop it, this isn’t about me, and you know that full-well. What the fuck was last night, Rachel? How could you bring that into our home?” My voice was quiet yet anything but calm.

“Me? How could I bring that into our home?  How about you Chloe? How could you bring your little whore into our home?” My expression dropped. “Oh? Thought I’d forget, huh? I saw her, and I know. I know you’ve been sleeping with her since that night I brought her round for dinner. Honestly, you must think I’m fucking stupid, you could cut the sex in the air with a knife that night.” She spat every word with venom. Hearing her talk about Max like that lit up the fire inside of me. I reached a new point, beyond anger, beyond rage. I hated her. In that moment, I despised her.

“Wow, you couldn’t be more wrong.” I scoffed out with an angry laugh.

“You’re going to seriously sit there and tell me you’re not sleeping with her. Got to hand it to you Chloe, I never thought you had it in you to lie straight to my face.” She folded her arms and leaned back in the dining chair.

“Of course I’m sleeping with her. I’m in love with her. I’ve been in love with her my whole life.” There it was, the truth. And it was as if the dam that I’d built in the way of my past had finally broken. And on came the onslaught, once the truth fell I couldn’t stop it.

Rachel’s face changed from anger to confusion. This was the day I had always known had to come, the day Rachel found out who I really was.

“My name is Chloe Elizabeth Price, I was born in Arcadia Bay, Oregon, to William and Joyce Price. When I was 14 years old, my Dad died in a car accident. I lived with Mom until I was 18, at which point I left, to come to LA.” Rachel was still, staring at me in disbelief, I mean who could blame her? I was telling her that the life story I had given her was a lie. The person she’d been with for 5 years didn’t exist. Chloe Price, orphan from San Francisco was a lie. It seemed that she was willing to listen, so I kept talking.

“I met Max Caulfield at kindergarten, some older kids were picking on her, and I punched one, helped her up and from that moment we were inseparable. We were each other’s lives. And when we grew up, became teens, we realised our feelings for each other ran so much deeper than best friendship. I loved her, she was, is, my soulmate.” I could almost see Rachel’s heart breaking in her eyes.

“She left to go to NYU when she was 17, got accepted into an early entry photography programme. She left me behind, to pursue a future, and it broke me. I was never the same. I heard nothing from Max for 5 years, until around 2 months ago when her car broke down and she walked into my garage.” 

Rachel’s eyes were flowing with tears.

“I couldn’t help myself. When faced with the love of your life, what did you do, Rach? I know I should have ended things with you, I know there is so much I could’ve done. But I didn’t. And I’ve ended up hurting you both.” I disappeared into sobs. Rachel sat, unmoving across from me, her head hung.

After a while, she spoke again.

“I think you should leave.” I looked at her through my tears. Yeah, I should, of course I should. I stumbled to my feet and walked into the bedroom together some of my stuff into a backpack.

When I re-entered the kitchen she was still sat in the same place.

“Rachel, I want you to know I still care about you. And...and if you need anything…” She knew I was referring to last night, “I’m always here, okay?” 

“It’s okay, I have someone.” My mind flashed to the guy from last night. I knew he wasn’t good news but I was in no position to judge right now. So I simply left it. I grabbed my keys from the dish and left without another word.

  
  
  


I was back on the cliff in Arcadia, or it felt like it. As Max and I exchanged our goodbyes, goodbyes that had to happen. For both our sakes. We kissed a final tear soaked kiss and left each other, walking in separate directions. Both of our futures up in the air, I silently prayed that the fates would bring our souls back together. Back where they belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how did you all find it? The last paragraph takes place just as Max leaves, poor Chloe is saying so many goodbyes.  
> 2 Chapters to go, get ready for a time jump...


	17. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...Hi...  
> I know it's been MONTHS, and trust me I've felt every single day of it. If I'm totally honest with you guys, I worked myself into a real bad place in regards to this story, I got a couple of not so great comments on it and they kind of got to me. I know they were not intended to be mean and I took them way too harshly...I think it just came at the wrong time when I had some personal stuff going on as well. But enough about me...let's get this finished! My girls deserve their happy ending, and god damn it they're going to get it!   
> Song for this chapter is Always by Panic! At The Disco  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5LfG4XqmKtT5htvI3ezhfy  
> But give Mogwai's Helicon 1 a listen too, it had a big influence on this chapter.  
> We're now in Max's POV, a year ahead of the last chapter.  
> Enjoy guys!

 

The whole thing felt like a lifetime ago. Those endless hazy days under the Californian sun, our hearts tethered together in ways the rest of our bodies and beings could never be. I looked back on the memory of them fondly, with one of those nostalgic smiles on my face, in the way one might look at their childhood years. The days when I was young and foolish, yet ecstatically happy. 

Yet now I now, that being overcome with happiness at the expense of someone else’s happiness is no triumph at all. I looked at Rachel dead in the face on countless occasions as if I wasn’t taking apart her life one molecule at a time. We couldn’t have been happy back then, happiness isn’t something that just happens, it takes hard work and dedication, and that was a kind of dedication I could never have given over that summer. I wasn’t the kind of dedication Chloe could have accepted either. I knew that now. And I hoped in some way, she did too.

 

My life looked different now, I finally felt that I had found my place. I went back to college, studied at the University of Portland to get my teaching qualification. After which, I was offered a job by Principal Wells to be a technician in the Blackwell art department. Which is how I ended up here, back in Arcadia Bay, a year after my short yet formative stay in Los Angeles. 

It was the last day of the humid Oregon August, I had prepared everything for the first day of my new job and was taking this day to myself, to become properly reacquainted with the town I had known so well, and left so abruptly.

I rode the bus around for an hour, without any particular destination in mind, I watched the endless real of scenery play out across the window, the lighthouse an anchor point for everything, the town, my memories, my thoughts. 

I could see shadows of my younger self everywhere, of course that meant I saw Chloe everywhere too. Thinking about her still sent a pang through me, I think it always did, but I could now see past those initial feelings to understand that I was far healthier now, and I hoped she was too. I would always love her, but it was clear we just hadn’t found our time yet. Maybe we never would, maybe all we were ever destined to have were the blissful memories of our childhood before the world turned dark and cruel. And I had decided over the last year that they were enough.

My thoughts of Chloe seemed to conjure the diner into view, and conjure Joyce into my mind.

I had been living in my apartment in Arcadia for a week now, and hadn’t even thought that Joyce may still be here. My destination suddenly became obvious, I got off the bus at the next stop and took off in the direction of the Two Whales.

 

The sound of clanging silverware seemed to have been on endless repeat since I left all those years ago, some things never change. Some old Rock n’ Roll track played from the worn out old jukebox, the smell of bacon and coffee still stuck to the air, it was as if I had just stepped back in time. And to top it all off, there she was. Joyce Price. Wiping down the counter top with an old rag. 

She looked the same, even down to the same blue clip that held back her bottle blonde hair. It had been over six years since I had last seen her, and the weight of those six years had never been more heavy on my shoulders. I felt my tears begin to well.

At that precise moment, the trucker who sat at the counter just in front of me dropped his mug, sending shards of china all over the floor. Joyce looked up to scold him,

“Did you break another cup? No more…” That’s when she saw me. Her face froze, and I couldn’t read her expression. I suddenly became nervous, I wondered if she might be angry with me. She would have every right to be, I left her struggling daughter in the moment she most needed me, causing said daughter to run away and not speak to her for years. A fleeting thought crossed my mind that Chloe might have gotten in touch at some point in the last year, but I told myself not to get my hopes up.

She broke all of my anxieties in one soft smile, looking straight into my eyes, the most prominent maternal figure from my childhood back in my life in one instant.

I don’t know whether she started crying first or if I did. But before I knew it, she was walking around the counter top, straight toward me and enveloping me in her arms. She was always taller than me, and the heels that constantly lived on her feet meant that she could rest her cheek on the top of my head. 

“Max Caulfield.” She whispered into my hair, kissing the top of my head like I was a small child who’d had a bad dream. I cried into her shoulder, and let myself believe that’s all it had been, a bad dream. My time at college, my battles with addiction, LA, meeting Chloe again, and leaving her, it was all a dream I had now woken from.

We stood in the doorway to the diner for a long time, ignoring curious stares from the few patrons that sipped coffee around us. Eventually she took my shoulders and pushed us apart, looking me up and down. 

“Just look at you.” Her voice was full of pride, for what reason I don’t know, but it was welcome. I laughed through my dwindling tears and she wiped them away with her thumb.

“Now, now, enough with the tears. Sit in your booth and I’ll make us some coffee.”  _ Your booth.  _ I’d probably spent half my childhood sat at the second booth in, sharing a milkshake with Chloe.

When she returned with two steaming mugs of coffee, I found myself at a loss for words. How do you even begin with something like this? 

“I’m surprised you recognise me.” I began. I’d changed a lot, dressed a little differently, my hair had grown and been cut short again since the last time she saw me.

“Hon, how could I not? I’d know your beautiful face anywhere.” Her eyes wrinkled a little more at the edges when she smiled now, she was older, as was I.

She began to ask about me, and I told her everything. I told her about college, about the rough times I had in New York, I told her about going back to school last year and the fact that I now had a job at Blackwell. I left the part about last summer until last, my nerves getting the better of me.

“I’m so proud of you Max, I always knew you’d do great things, ever since you were knee high. You were always the more sensible one, good for Chloe.” She tried to hide it but I saw her flinch a little when she said her daughter’s name. This was the moment,  _ bite the bullet Max. _

“Joyce, have you heard from Chloe at all?” She looked at me in surprise, to her knowledge, I didn’t even know Chloe had left. Confused marred her features but she shook her head sadly. I couldn’t imagine the pain she must have been in, not knowing where her daughter had been for the last six years, she didn’t know if she was dead or alive, let alone where she’d been.

“I haven’t. Why, have you?” She said, finally. I nodded my head.

“So, hear me out on this one. Last summer, I took some time at my Aunt’s condo in LA, I did some freelance photography for a while.” Joyce was looking at me intently. “So, my Aunt let me use her car for the time I was there, but the thing was a piece of junk… I had to take it into the shop the first time I drove it.”

Her eyes had begun to light up with what I thought might be hope, I couldn’t be sure. I felt myself including too much detail and decided to get right to the point.

“Chloe was working as a mechanic there. We talked and reconnected for a while.” 

Joyce’s hand flew to cover her mouth while tears poured down her face. The whole thing must have been a huge shock.

“Oh Max! I can’t tell you how happy you’ve just made me! How was she? Where was she living?” Joyce’s glee at finding out that her daughter was alive was just as stunning as it should have been. Despite what Chloe often though, Joyce loved her and the pain she had been carrying for the last six years was obvious.

“She was...Chloe. Hilarious, stubborn, beautiful Chloe.” Joyce squeezed my hand. We had never hidden our relationship from her, and she was still as supportive as she had been all those years ago.

“She was living with a girl named Rachel, they’d been together for a good few years.” I was sure I saw disappointment flash across her features but as always she guarded that from me.

She nodded.

“You know me and Chloe, and...please don’t be disappointed in me, Joyce.” She already knew what I was saying before I said it.

“We started seeing each other again, while she was still with Rachel, and well...it got messy…” 

“Say no more Max, I understand. You girls were always meant to be.” She comforted me.

“So, this was last year? Where is she now?” And there it was, the answer I couldn’t give her.

“I don’t know.” 

Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“I left, Joyce. Rachel was in a very bad place, and it was kicking up a lot of my old demons. I needed to remove myself from the situation. As much as I… as much as I love Chloe, I finally needed put myself first. When I went to college, it was for my Mom. She hated the fact that I might get stuck in a relationship and not pursue my dreams, now as much as I know Chloe would never let that happen, she didn’t believe me. She threatened to cut me off if I didn’t take the early entry programme.” This was something I had never told anyone, the real reason I left the love of my life sitting alone on a clifftop.

“When I went to LA, it was for my Dad, he had put so much effort into organising it, into getting me clean, I couldn’t let him down again.” She was smiling, she understood.

“And if I had stayed in LA, it would have been for Chloe. I really wanted to make her happy, to stay with her and make the broken pieces of our separate lives into a brand new one. But that would never have worked, I owed it to both of us to let us become our own people. Separately.” I don’t know how Joyce had this ability to make me so comfortable, so willing to share things I’d never shared before. 

“I’m not mad, Max. I’m so proud of you. You’ve grown to be an incredible young woman, and that’s all I ever wanted for both of you.”

 

I spent the whole afternoon at the diner, I listened to what had happened in Joyce’s life that I had missed. She had kicked David out about 6 months after Chloe left, said he had started to become violent with her. I was horrified to hear it, but proud that she had managed to get out. She said she hadn’t heard from him in years, and was now seeing a guy named Steve who was a fisherman nearby. I wished Chloe could hear this, how far her Mom had come. We left each other with a hug and a promise to meet for dinner later in the week. I walked out of the diner with a newfound lightness, another part of my life starting to feel a little more complete.

  
  


My first week of work flew by in a whirlwind, the kids were awesome and even though I didn’t spend a lot of time teaching them, I still found my work there super rewarding. It took me right back to my time at Blackwell, especially given the few familiar faces that still remained there. Samuel was still the well-meaning janitor, and Brooke Scott was now a science teacher. She hadn’t changed a bit, I half expected her to take out her drone like old times. 

Daniel DeCosta, one of the art teachers popped his head into my office to say bye as we left on Friday night, giving me the keys to lock up behind me.

I took the opportunity of being alone in the block to take a short walk down memory lane. I visited the site of my old locker, which of course belonged to some new student now, looked in the trophy cabinet at the pictures of my class’s sports teams. I finished off in the girls’ bathroom. Just by the door, I saw it, a little butterfly drawn in black sharpie, in one wing was MC and in the other a slightly worn CP. I ran my fingertips over it, and pressed my forehead against the cold, tiled wall.

 

_ I’m ready now, Chlo. Come back to me. _

  
  
  


It was my birthday, September 21st. I’d just left Joyce’s house where I’d had a lovely dinner and met Steve, who really was a great guy. The sun was setting over the Bay, I had mindlessly made my way up the nature trail to the lighthouse. I let the events of the time I’d spent away from this place was over me. It struck me that this was inevitable, I was always going to make it back to this place. No matter how far I wandered, this was where I was meant to be. I was always going to come home. Entering my 23rd year in the spot felt so right.

 

“Hey, Teach.” A voice from behind me, I thought I’d imagined it. I didn’t dare turn around to see if it was the person I knew it was. I would recognise her voice out of millions.

A hand on my shoulder, a tear on my cheek, a whisper in my ear.

“Happy birthday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worth the wait? Or not?  
> Let me know your thoughts below!


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